Sport on TV: Dancing off with the 2006 awards are...

So who did what on the box in 2006? Who was a success and who was a Garth Crooks? The inaugural Golden Ball-Gag goes to Jose Mourinho. When he arrived at Stamford Bridge a whirlwind of fresh air blew through English football. A couple of years on, the hair's grizzled, the glint in the eye has faded and an incessant litany of insults emanates from him on a daily basis like the whine of a doodlebug. Can't we do a compulsory Manager Swap and send him to Darlington for a season? That might shut him up.

Most Perceptive Remark By An Ex-Sportsperson on Reality TV goes to Dennis Rodman, who entered Celebrity Big Brother in January with the words, "Shit, these cameras are going to be on us 24 hours. These people are perverts. They have no life."

Still in the "reality" category, Most Pathetic and Annoying Appearance goes to Rodman's housemate Faria Alam, who is to dignity what Vinnie Jones was to cultured football. Best Line: Peter Reid to former Verve singer Richard Ashcroft in the England v Germany: The Legends charity match: "I like that song, 'The drugs aren't very good'." Best Performance in a Charity Match saw Kev from Shameless - Dean Lennox Kelly - beating the ex-pros in Soccer Aid (ITV1, May). As pundit Peter Drury put it, "Which is better, playing from memory or according to your dreams?"

Worst Sports-Related Drama: All in the Game (C4, May), with Ray Winstone's out-of-control Premiership gaffer besmirching an otherwise impeccable acting CV, you slag.

There are a few awards to be divvied up from the World Cup. Most Fatuous Remark: Gabby Logan, over shots of fans during Portugal v Angola: "The Angolans obviously haven't passed on their dancing skills to their colonial rulers..." Best Use Of The Word "Literally": Andy Townsend on Theo Walcott - "he's literally got the whole nation on his shoulders." Runner-up: Townsend during Germany v Italy: "David Odonkor literally handed him the ball on a plate!". Best Pundit: the straight-talking Mick McCarthy.

Best Pundit, overall: a toss-up between McCarthy, party monster Graham Bell at the Winter Olympics and the unexpectedly amusing Nick Faldo at the Ryder Cup.

There were fewer documentaries than ever, the best being the thoughtful My Childhood with Nigel Benn (BBC3, February). Most Astounding Event in a Documentary was Posh Spice quoting Nietzsche - "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" - in David Beckham: A Footballer's Story (ITV1, May). Most Grotesque Doc was The Man Whose Arms Exploded (Five, August). The title says it all.

As for the Big Fat Festering Maggot Award, inaugurated last year for the sheer odiousness of John McCririck's Celebrity Big Brother slobfest, there can be only one winner. Sorry, two winners. McMaggot is jostled on the podium by his toxic nemesis in Celebrity Wife Swap (C4, October), Edwina Currie.

And Man of the Year? It can only be Mark Ramprakash, TV's new Mr Sex, with whom the nation fell in love during Strictly Come Dancing. There, you see, English cricketers can win something.

PROMOTED VIDEO
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Caption competition
Caption competition
Latest stories from i100
Daily Quiz
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

Career Services
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Account Manager

£20000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This full service social media ...

Recruitment Genius: Data Analyst - Online Marketing

£24000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: We are 'Changemakers in retail'...

Austen Lloyd: Senior Residential Conveyancer

Very Competitive: Austen Lloyd: Senior Conveyancer - South West We are see...

Austen Lloyd: Residential / Commercial Property Solicitor

Excellent Salary: Austen Lloyd: DORSET MARKET TOWN - SENIOR PROPERTY SOLICITOR...

Day In a Page

Isis in Iraq: Yazidi girls killing themselves to escape rape and imprisonment by militants

'Jilan killed herself in the bathroom. She cut her wrists and hanged herself'

Yazidi girls killing themselves to escape rape and imprisonment
Ed Balls interview: 'If I think about the deficit when I'm playing the piano, it all goes wrong'

Ed Balls interview

'If I think about the deficit when I'm playing the piano, it all goes wrong'
He's behind you, dude!

US stars in UK panto

From David Hasselhoff to Jerry Hall
Grace Dent's Christmas Quiz: What are you – a festive curmudgeon or top of the tree?

Grace Dent's Christmas Quiz

What are you – a festive curmudgeon or top of the tree?
Nasa planning to build cloud cities in airships above Venus

Nasa planning to build cloud cities in airships above Venus

Planet’s surface is inhospitable to humans but 30 miles above it is almost perfect
Surrounded by high-rise flats is a little house filled with Lebanon’s history - clocks, rifles, frogmen’s uniforms and colonial helmets

Clocks, rifles, swords, frogmen’s uniforms

Surrounded by high-rise flats is a little house filled with Lebanon’s history
Return to Gaza: Four months on, the wounds left by Israel's bombardment have not yet healed

Four months after the bombardment, Gaza’s wounds are yet to heal

Kim Sengupta is reunited with a man whose plight mirrors the suffering of the Palestinian people
Gastric surgery: Is it really the answer to the UK's obesity epidemic?

Is gastric surgery really the answer to the UK's obesity epidemic?

Critics argue that it’s crazy to operate on healthy people just to stop them eating
Homeless Veterans appeal: Christmas charity auction Part 2 - now LIVE

Homeless Veterans appeal: Christmas charity auction

Bid on original art, or trips of a lifetime to Africa or the 'Corrie' set, and help Homeless Veterans
Pantomime rings the changes to welcome autistic theatre-goers

Autism-friendly theatre

Pantomime leads the pack in quest to welcome all
The week Hollywood got scared and had to grow up a bit

The week Hollywood got scared and had to grow up a bit

Sony suffered a chorus of disapproval after it withdrew 'The Interview', but it's not too late for it to take a stand, says Joan Smith
From Widow Twankey to Mother Goose, how do the men who play panto dames get themselves ready for the performance of a lifetime?

Panto dames: before and after

From Widow Twankey to Mother Goose, how do the men who play panto dames get themselves ready for the performance of a lifetime?
Thirties murder mystery novel is surprise runaway Christmas hit

Thirties murder mystery novel is surprise runaway Christmas hit

Booksellers say readers are turning away from dark modern thrillers and back to the golden age of crime writing
Anne-Marie Huby: 'Charities deserve the best,' says founder of JustGiving

Anne-Marie Huby: 'Charities deserve the best'

Ten million of us have used the JustGiving website to donate to good causes. Its co-founder says that being dynamic is as important as being kind
The botanist who hunts for giant trees at Kew Gardens

The man who hunts giants

A Kew Gardens botanist has found 25 new large tree species - and he's sure there are more out there