Sport on TV: 'Mouth Almighty' Jordan sounds off all the way to the bank

"No one likes me, I don't care" could be Simon Jordan's theme tune. Crystal Palace fans may be in accord with his apparent mission to take on the world in a head-on shunt, but that's about it.

You cannot argue with Fortune: Million Pound Giveaway (ITV1, Tuesday), though, in which he and four other fat cats listen to supplicants pleading their cases, then stump up the required dosh - or not.

Not, in the case of Grinning Johnny, who wanted £500 to pay back his friends for all the money they've lent him. "I want them to go out and have a good time on my expense," he gurned.

"And a good time would be going out with you, yeah?" Jordan wondered. "I think we should take him round the back and give him a good kicking." The audience liked that one.

A pair of rather more spiritual chancers, Jarvis and Judith, were asking for £79,976 to record a new age album, but made the crucial mistake of performing one of their numbers. "OK, would you take £79,000 not to record an album?" Jordan inquired. "No," they replied, nonplussed. "I would have to be the first British brain donor to back this," he concluded as they blinked back the tears. The others agreed: a big fat resounding no, and don't spare the pan pipes.

They were not all knocked back; a one-armed special needs teacher with four kids, who had taken on her twin nieces after the death of her sister, got money for a loft conversion; a bald bloke received £4,000 for hair implants; and a school in south London was given the funds for a trip to World War One battlefields.

Last up were the fabulous London Wheelchair Rugby Club - packed with Paralympians and European champions for last three years, who needed £88,000 to host the next Europa Cup.

"Who's better than us?" Jordan asked the player-coach, Steve Palmer. "I hate saying this," Palmer grimaced. "The Americans, the Canadians, New Zealand, and Great Britain are fourth in the world."

Jordan continued. "A very pertinent question: can we beat Australia?" Palmer was ready for that. "At the world championships we beat them to get through to the semi-finals." That was enough for Mouth Almighty. "Anyone who can beat Australia at something has my money," he said, and the rest of the panel fell into line, pumped up with admiration.

On pranced the host, Richard Madeley, to tell the rugby boys that £88,000 constituted a series record. "You're really cool dudes," he simpered (shoot him, someone). He asked them if they'd be celebrating. "I think a few beers are in order," Palmer smiled. "Just don't tell the coach."

Madeley guffawed. "Is the coach here?"

Palmer looked up at him. "I am the coach."

Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Caption competition
Caption competition
  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Daily Quiz
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

Career Services
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Web Developer

£18000 - £20000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This design and print company a...

Recruitment Genius: Lift and Elevator Contract Manager - London

£38000 - £45000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: An exciting opportunity has ari...

Recruitment Genius: Sales Engineer - OTE £40,000

£25000 - £40000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Sales Engineer is required to...

Ashdown Group: Systems Administrator - Hull - £32,000

£30000 - £32000 per annum + £4200 car allowance: Ashdown Group: 3rd Line Suppo...

Day In a Page

Not even the 'putrid throat' could stop the Ross Poldark swoon-fest'

Not even the 'putrid throat' could stop the Ross Poldark swoon-fest'

How a costume drama became a Sunday night staple
Miliband promises no stamp duty for first-time buyers as he pushes Tories on housing

Miliband promises no stamp duty for first-time buyers

Labour leader pushes Tories on housing
Aviation history is littered with grand failures - from the the Bristol Brabazon to Concorde - but what went wrong with the SuperJumbo?

Aviation history is littered with grand failures

But what went wrong with the SuperJumbo?
Fear of Putin, Islamists and immigration is giving rise to a new generation of Soviet-style 'iron curtains' right across Europe

Fortress Europe?

Fear of Putin, Islamists and immigration is giving rise to a new generation of 'iron curtains'
Never mind what you're wearing, it's what you're reclining on

Never mind what you're wearing

It's what you're reclining on that matters
General Election 2015: Chuka Umunna on the benefits of immigration, humility – and his leader Ed Miliband

Chuka Umunna: A virus of racism runs through Ukip

The shadow business secretary on the benefits of immigration, humility – and his leader Ed Miliband
Yemen crisis: This exotic war will soon become Europe's problem

Yemen's exotic war will soon affect Europe

Terrorism and boatloads of desperate migrants will be the outcome of the Saudi air campaign, says Patrick Cockburn
Marginal Streets project aims to document voters in the run-up to the General Election

Marginal Streets project documents voters

Independent photographers Joseph Fox and Orlando Gili are uploading two portraits of constituents to their website for each day of the campaign
Game of Thrones: Visit the real-life kingdom of Westeros to see where violent history ends and telly tourism begins

The real-life kingdom of Westeros

Is there something a little uncomfortable about Game of Thrones shooting in Northern Ireland?
How to survive a social-media mauling, by the tough women of Twitter

How to survive a Twitter mauling

Mary Beard, Caroline Criado-Perez, Louise Mensch, Bunny La Roche and Courtney Barrasford reveal how to trounce the trolls
Gallipoli centenary: At dawn, the young remember the young who perished in one of the First World War's bloodiest battles

At dawn, the young remember the young

A century ago, soldiers of the Empire – many no more than boys – spilt on to Gallipoli’s beaches. On this 100th Anzac Day, there are personal, poetic tributes to their sacrifice
Dissent is slowly building against the billions spent on presidential campaigns – even among politicians themselves

Follow the money as never before

Dissent is slowly building against the billions spent on presidential campaigns – even among politicians themselves, reports Rupert Cornwell
Samuel West interview: The actor and director on austerity, unionisation, and not mentioning his famous parents

Samuel West interview

The actor and director on austerity, unionisation, and not mentioning his famous parents
General Election 2015: Imagine if the leading political parties were fashion labels

Imagine if the leading political parties were fashion labels

Fashion editor, Alexander Fury, on what the leaders' appearances tell us about them
Phumzile Mlambo-Ngcuka: Home can be the unsafest place for women

Phumzile Mlambo-Ngcuka: Home can be the unsafest place for women

The architect of the HeForShe movement and head of UN Women on the world's failure to combat domestic violence