The Spectator

A survey by lads' mag 'Nuts' claims females find darts players sexier than footballers. Apparently, "darts is seen as the more intelligent sport, with 60 per cent of women rating expert hand/eye co-ordination as a top quality for their man". No mention of brain/feet co-ordination, which is probably just as well for the love life of Glenn Moody, a dartist at the current BDO World Championships. Moody, romantically nicknamed "Mr Bean", turned left instead of right before his first match and walked into a wall. Progressing to round two, he then walked through a curtain expecting to see the audience, only to find he was facing the wrong way. He lost; let's hope his arrows of desire fly straighter.

£86.5m

The total amount in transfer fees spent on Nicolas Anelka after Chelsea signed him last week, making him the most expensive footballer ever. He overtakes Juan Sebastian Veron (£77.2m), another £15m Chelsea signing. He flopped at Stamford Bridge; the faithful will be hoping history does not repeat itself.

Spoilsport of the week

As the government urge children to play more sport, up pops an e-petition on Downing Street's website to "Stop children playing football in the street", for various killjoy reasons too tedious to enumerate. Not sure if all the 13 signatories so far are taking it as seriously as the proposer, Colin Bennett, though; they include Mis Erable-Tossa and Another Miserable Git. If you really must sign something, why not join the 356 petitioning to make banger racing an Olympic sport? Not very green, but far more fun.

Good week for

Timo Glock and Giancarlo Fisichella, returning to Formula One next season with Toyota and Force India respectively... Ben Ainslie, chosen as Britain's Finn sailor for Beijing Olympics... Jamie Baker, British tennis No 3, qualified for Australian Open... and David Chopra, world No 130 golfer, won the Mercedes-Benz event to earn a Masters spot.

Bad week for

Marion Jones, US Olympian, jailed for six months for lying about steroid use and a separate fraud case...Steve Bucknor, West Indian umpire, axed for Third Test in Perth after Indian complaints... Paul Robinson, Spurs and England goalkeeper, dropped for Carling Cup semi against Arsenal... and Luton Town FC, losing at least five players, plus manager Kevin Blackwell and his assistant Sam Ellis.

Bottom line of the week

An email floods into The Spectator's inbox. It's from Wendy Northcott of the Darwin Awards – you remember, they commemorate those who improve the gene pool by removing themselves from it. Wendy was "embarrassed and apologetic" that she hadn't announced the winner, "as promised", in time for last week's paper. Never mind, here it is at last: a 58-year-old Texan alcoholic who enjoyed wine enemas connected himself up to three litres of sherry, passed out and embalmed himself to death, with a blood/alcohol level of 0.47 per cent. Truly they are not long, the days of wine and hoses...

s.redfern@independent.co.uk