Captain Moonlight

Ah, there you are! Good week? Never mind, let the Captain cheer you up with an inimitable mix of hot news, trenchant comment and provocative speculation that will keep you right up with the happening and the now. Sorry? John Major? What about him? Do you mind, I've got a doctor joke. Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a compact disc. Don't worry, it's just something going round. Oi! Next! Forward!

Now then! Did you read that report last week which found that keeping a stiff upper lip and just getting on with it is a better way of coping with trauma and tragedy than lots of counselling and all that? With this in mind, I should like to pass on a few useful phrases: 1. "Chin up!" 2. "Worse things happen at sea!" 3. "Time to be a brave little soldier!" 4. "Why not you?" 5. "Come on, old thing, time to move on. Golf afterwards?" 6. "Good Lord, what a long face! Let's hope the wind doesn't change!"

7. "That's so last week!" 8. "For goodness sake, it's probably only a flesh wound!" Next!

Clogs! Listen, I've been doing some deep research into clogs and clog dancing! I have. And did you know that King Bernard of Italy, grandson of Charlemagne, died AD904, wore clogs with red leather uppers laced with thongs? Great guy. Next!

Loo (1)! As regular readers will know (and irregular readers might find even more useful) one of the many vital services performed by the Captain is a close monitoring of access to public conveniences. And it is in this connection that Mr Mickleburgh of Grimsby writes. Mr Mickleburgh? "The toilets at Grimsby's Freshney Place shopping centre don't open on Sundays despite their proximity to the main bus station. And you now have to ask for a key at Grimsby railway station." Thank you very much for that, Mr Mickleburgh. Next!

Loo (2)! Did you read, too, about that local authority official in Somerset who counted one of the rolls being supplied to his public lavatories and discovered that they were getting 200 sheets instead of the stipulated and contracted 320? Good work, Mr Jewell! There are far too many people getting away with too much short change and sharp practice, in my view. The Captain would like to see some checking up in these fields: 1. Prawn cocktails. 2. Household matches. 3. Hundreds and Thousands. 4. Sherry trifles. 5. Steak and kidney pies. 6. Strawberry-centred ones. 7. Those little white rings you reinforce the holes in your folder with. 8. Swiss roll jam. 9. Mint toothpaste stripe thickness. 10. Baked beans in B&Bs. 11. G W Bush brain cells. On!

Actually, mention of sherry trifle reminds me that it's time once again for You Missed It, the Captain's exclusive post-event diary service. And, today, I can tell you that you have missed the world's first International Trifle Festival, which was held in Terling, Essex, attracting 44 entries. You also didn't make the Annual Rocky Mountain Testicle Festival. I'd like to tell you more about that one, but when I attempted to access the festival site, www.testyfesty.com, I received that fetching sign you see down there, the method my employers here use to indicate that I might find a better use of my time. I'm thinking of mounting one on a card that I can produce from my inside pocket whenever anyone wants to discuss farmers, foxes, schools, pensions, this dream they had last night, where they're going for their next mini-break, or the trouble with Radio Four. Thank you. Next!

Uncanny (1)! Time now, yes, for one of my thrilling new features, where, dispensing with the usual, rather clichéd visual aids, I invite you to use your imaginations and, concentrating hard, note the remarkable similarity in appearance between two celebrities! Ready to focus? Come in, Ms Miller of Overton on Dee: "Captain! Surely I can't be the only one to be struck by the similarity between former Madam Speaker Betty Boothroyd and the orange-faced presenter of Bargain Hunt? They even sound the same." Well. Remarkable. Next!

Uncanny (2)! And what about, while we're at it, everyone thinking hard, comparing features and opinions ... The Prince of Wales and that man over there in the saloon bar! On!

Twinkle! Gracious, that's the virtual columnar effect that tends to herald a breathless dispatch from my celebrity correspondent, Ms Britt Bafter! "Captain! Fairfield Hall, Croydon. King Crimson revival concert! And spotted there: Mr Ronnie Corbett! Must dash, bye." Goodness me, I had no idea Ron was a fan of the Crims! Next thing you know, Brucie will be turning out for Jethro Tull! Excellent! Next!

Doris! Congratulations to Doris Schröder on her hubby's stunning election victory! As you will know, if you were paying proper attention last Sunday, Doris is a fairly popular name in Germany, if not as popular as it was. Since, then, though, I've been trying to come up with some famous Dorises, and, I have to tell you, I've been struggling a bit. Any advances on Doris Lessing, Doris Day, Doris Hare and the sister of Elsie Waters?

Sorry? Do come on, Doris Hare was Reg Varney's mum in On the Buses, and Elsie and Doris Waters were that splendid double act, and sisters to Jack Warner, Dixon of Dock Green. Ah, memories! Evenin' all!

Where was I? Oh, yes, Around The Halls With Captain Moonlight. And a special request this week. The Captain would be most grateful for a call to my hotline – 020-7005 2462 – followed by a rendering (accompanied or unaccompanied) of "How Can A Man Be Happy With His Wife When She's Always Eating Biscuits In Bed?", a favourite of the late Dan Sherry. Thank you. Next!

Origami! And that splendid effort down there to follow the Captain's late and comprehensive step-by-step instruction on how to construct an origami Hawaiian shirt is from Ms Stewart of Thurmaston, who has clearly been working non-stop ever since. Well done, Ms Stewart: please accept your Jubilee Reward, a bottle of British Bubbly, Chapel Down NV, awarded by New Wave Wines of Kent! Oh, and Mr Rowley of Liverpool has been in touch: "Captain! On the subject of origami, is it true that the origami championships were to be shown live on ITV Digital, but that was before they folded? Fear not though, I understand another cable channel has stepped into the breach, but unfortunately the event will only be available on 'paper view'. Forward!" Well done, Mr Rowley, very droll, bottle!

Bottles! And it gives me great pleasure now to announce the winner of our competition to find a new name for New Wave Wines' Fumé, a smokey, oaky sort of wine in need of rebranding because the EU has come over all sniffy at British wines using fancy foreign handles. And the winner, conquering all manner of smoakies and such, is this, from Mr Kinch of Polruan: PhEUmay! Mr Kinch, you will get a case labelled PhEUmay! Well done! Well done, everybody! Pop! Next!

Twinkle! How marvellous, it's Ms Bafter, again! "Captain! Ronnie Corbett and King Crimson! As you were! Ronnie was there for Danny La Rue, next door, in the theatre!" Hmm. Ah, well.

Araldite! Excellent stuff, as we have been discussing, for repairing cracks in your caravan. But now Mr Long of Keynsham has written to me. He has. Mr Long? "Captain! As you are a fan of Araldite, I should issue a warning about its effect on some dogs. I used it one day, closely observed by a relation's dog. It seemed to act like some sort of canine Viagra, as the dog rushed around in a state of some excitement for a couple of hours and no leg, human or inanimate, was safe from its attentions." Crikey. Verb sap there, I should have said. Forward, quick march!

Charles Nevin is Captain Moonlight

email thingie: moonlight@independent.co.uk