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Dom Joly: The Tiger tapes... how Elin took the world No 1 by the tail

"I told Elin that I would clean the Escalade's garage out and then I've got to Dyson the whole pool house"

I was fortunate enough this week to listen in on a conversation between Tiger Woods and his manager. When I say fortunate, I actually put a lot of work into it. I had to dig quite a deep hole beneath his Florida home to find the relevant phone line. Not really, but this is how the conversation might have gone, if I had:

Phone rings.

"Yo ... what is it?"


"Yeah ... who's this?"

"It's *****, your manager."

"The Hooters manager?"

"No, Tiger, your brand manager dude. We need to talk about the whole golf thing..."

"I'd love to, *****, but I gotta do something in the garden."

"Just hear me out, will you? Thing is, you're gonna lose that number one spot Tiger. That ain't gonna look good to anybody man. You gotta pull yourself together and get out there, start hitting some practise balls and stuff."

"Hey ***** I'd love to man but it's just that I'm ... busy with stuff. I told Elin that I would clean the Escalade's garage out and then I've got to Dyson the whole pool house and there's four days of ironing backed up here and that stuff isn't just going to iron itself now is it?"

"What the hell? Just pay someone to do all that Tiger! You got to be out there on the driving range or Mickelson is gonna bite your ass."

"Oh ... I don't think Elin would like anyone biting my ass ..."

"It's an expression Tiger ... he's not gonna literally bite your ass but somebody is gonna take your crown – you ain't gonna be the king no more."

"Well, that might be so but I got chores to do. Elin is coming back from her trip away with the nice man who has been helping her out in her new bedroom."

"What? What the hell are you talking about? What man, what new bedroom?"

"I told you about him. He's that life coach guy she's got. She says that he really helps her. The chores were all his idea. And he's helping her in the new bedroom...

"Yeah, he says that she needs total calm to get over my behaviour so she and he did a retreat in her new bedroom and then they went to meet some guru guy in the Maldives. She looks a lot happier since she met him and I like doing the chores, it keeps me busy and I don't think about titties every thirty seconds. Yesterday I went a whole three minutes ..."

"That's ... really good Tiger ... well done. When ... do you think that you could finish your chores and start really putting some time in on the course?"

"Well, tomorrow is a no as I have to pick the green tomatoes ... day after is bad because I've got to clean all the skirting boards ... The day after that looks good though, Elin wants me to be out of the house all day as they're having people round ... is that good for you?"

"It's all good for me Tiger ... shall we meet down at the range and we can talk more?"

"Oh, sure ... you'll clear the place right?"

"Clear the place of what?"

"Chicks ... Elin won't let me go anywhere where there are any chicks. Can you clear the range before I get there?"

"WHAT? No dude, I can't do that ... it's impossible."

"OK, I guess that's a no for golf then. It's no biggy ... I'm the Tiger, I'll just turn up and play at the tournament. It'll be fine."

"Uuhhmmm ... the thing is Tiger, you've been playing like an assho ... not very good person. I think it would be really positive if you could practise a little."

"OK ... I've got to go now sir. Elin has come in from the pool ... actually she wants to talk to you to see who I'm talking to ... is that OK?"

"That's fine Tiger ... no problem. Before you hand her over I need to tell you that we need to sort this situation out. I don't want this to be the end game of Tiger Time..."

"OK ... here's Elin ..."

"Tiger ... Tiger ..."

A female voice comes on the line.

"Who is vis?"

"Ah hello Mrs Woods, this is ******, Tiger's manager. I was just talking to him about the possibility of him doing a little bit of practising? As you probably know, the golf hasn't been tip-top recently and were just wondering whether we could ..."

"NO! He is too busy, he has lots of vings to do round the house. Please no ving again ..."

Next week I'm tapping into Andy Murray's mobile...

If every football game could end up with 12 goals, I might be persuaded to watch one – that's value for money.