The Hacker: Witchcraft ensures bad spell goes on – maybe I need the broom-handle putter

My remarks last Sunday, innocent as always, about how the new Equality Act is going to affect our golf club, were not taken by some ladies in the humorous vein that was intended.

They were particularly appalled by my idea of how to preserve our men-only bar when the act comes into force next month.

I proposed that in order to defend this precious sanctum – which has existed for 120 years – against invasion from those who might not obey our strict rules regarding strong language and rude jokes, we should put a urinal next to the fireplace and rename the bar the "Gents".

This would have the double effect of guarding our traditional haven and saving the more elderly from having to go behind the hedge alongside the 18th on a cold night.

Although desperate times call for desperate measures, it was not a suggestion that I expected to be taken seriously but it did get some support. When I popped into the bar on Wednesday, there was a notice – taped to the wall next to the fireplace – bearing the words "Peter's Pisser".

My low ranking in the affections of the ladies section dates back to the early 1980s when I was in charge of the winter league.

One Sunday lunchtime before I delivered my report on the morning's play to the packed bar, the captain asked me to make an announcement.

On the previous evening, the club had staged a Halloween dance and the walls had been decorated appropriately, the centrepiece being a broomstick supplied by the ladies captain.

This had gone missing, said the captain, and it was imperative that it was returned immediately. I duly relayed this to the 100 or so men assembled. "This is a particularly serious matter," I said, "because she had to walk home." This flippancy did not go down too well in certain quarters and it is only just dawning on me that the plague on my game began around this time.

I don't believe in witchcraft but some of the weird happenings that befall me on a golf course can't be easily explained away by the usual shortcomings of a wretched player.

In my long quest to break 100 in a medal, I have often felt that I am doomed never to succeed. Perhaps, a supernatural force is ensuring that I stay doomed.

Last Wednesday was an uncanny example. In the September medal last weekend, I ruined my card at the first when I happily flipped from one greenside bunker to the other, six times, ending with an 11.

In a bid to make early amends, I decided to try my luck for the first time in the midweek medal.

Eirian agreed to join me which was good news, not least because he has a buggy on account of having had five hip and knee replacements (he had one hip done twice, if you are wondering).

We started at 8am, it was a beautiful morning and I felt on the brink of a great day. Then I shanked my drive into a bush. I took a drop and shanked it again. Then I missed the ball altogether.

Never have I suffered such an abject failure to connect with the ball properly. I took a 12 and Eirian suggested it might be better if we had breakfast instead.

I insisted on continuing and finally abandoned my card when my ball got stuck up a leylandii tree on the 12th. God only knows how many I would have scored.

I would go for a lesson but I do not want any more tips on stance, grip or swing. I want someone who can lift a spell.

p.corrigan@independent.co.uk

PROMOTED VIDEO
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Arts and Entertainment
From Mean Girls to Mamet: Lindsay Lohan
theatre
Sport
Nathaniel Clyne (No 2) drives home his side's second goal past Arsenal’s David Ospina at the Emirates
footballArsenal 1 Southampton 2: Arsène Wenger pays the price for picking reserve side in Capital One Cup
News
Mike Tyson has led an appalling and sad life, but are we not a country that gives second chances?
peopleFormer boxer 'watched over' crash victim until ambulance arrived
Arts and Entertainment
Geena Davis, founder and chair of the Geena Davis Institute on Gender in Media
tv
News
i100
Travel
travelGallery And yes, it is indoors
Arts and Entertainment
The Tiger Who Came To Tea
booksJudith Kerr on what inspired her latest animal intruder - 'The Crocodile Under the Bed'
Arts and Entertainment
British actor Idris Elba is also a DJ and rapper who played Ibiza last summer
film
News
Alan Bennett criticised the lack of fairness in British society encapsulated by the private school system
peopleBut he does like Stewart Lee
Sport
John Terry, Frank Lampard
footballChelsea captain sends signed shirt to fan whose mum had died
News
people
Caption competition
Caption competition
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Daily Quiz
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

Career Services

Day In a Page

Syria air strikes: ‘Peace President’ Obama had to take stronger action against Isis after beheadings

Robert Fisk on Syria air strikes

‘Peace President’ Obama had to take stronger action against Isis after beheadings
Will Lindsay Lohan's West End debut be a turnaround moment for her career?

Lindsay Lohan's West End debut

Will this be a turnaround moment for her career?
'The Crocodile Under the Bed': Judith Kerr's follow-up to 'The Tiger Who Came to Tea'

The follow-up to 'The Tiger Who Came to Tea'

Judith Kerr on what inspired her latest animal intruder - 'The Crocodile Under the Bed' - which has taken 46 years to get into print
BBC Television Centre: A nostalgic wander through the sets, studios and ghosts of programmes past

BBC Television Centre

A nostalgic wander through the sets, studios and ghosts of programmes past
Lonesome George: Custody battle in Galapagos over tortoise remains

My George!

Custody battle in Galapagos over tortoise remains
10 best rucksacks for backpackers

Pack up your troubles: 10 best rucksacks for backpackers

Off on an intrepid trip? Experts from student trip specialists Real Gap and Quest Overseas recommend luggage for travellers on the move
Secret politics of the weekly shop

The politics of the weekly shop

New app reveals political leanings of food companies
Beam me up, Scottie!

Beam me up, Scottie!

Celebrity Trekkies from Alex Salmond to Barack Obama
Beware Wet Paint: The ICA's latest ambitious exhibition

Beware Wet Paint

The ICA's latest ambitious exhibition
Pink Floyd have produced some of rock's greatest ever album covers

Pink Floyd have produced some of rock's greatest ever album covers

Can 'The Endless River' carry on the tradition?
Sanctuary for the suicidal

Sanctuary for the suicidal

One mother's story of how London charity Maytree helped her son with his depression
A roller-coaster tale from the 'voice of a generation'

Not That Kind of Girl:

A roller-coaster tale from 'voice of a generation' Lena Dunham
London is not bedlam or a cradle of vice. In fact it, as much as anywhere, deserves independence

London is not bedlam or a cradle of vice

In fact it, as much as anywhere, deserves independence
Vivienne Westwood 'didn’t want' relationship with Malcolm McLaren

Vivienne Westwood 'didn’t want' relationship with McLaren

Designer 'felt pressured' into going out with Sex Pistols manager
Jourdan Dunn: Model mother

Model mother

Jordan Dunn became one of the best-paid models in the world