Grace Dent: Time to chisel pizza off your floor
My Olympics: Visit the Australian embassy and stage a revolt about Ian Thorpe leaving the country
Monday 13 August 2012
Has Olympic addiction caused your living standards to slide? It's time to get a gold medal in cleaning. Experiment with gathering the wine glasses, hilarious giant foam hands, tiny Union Jacks given out by car showrooms, pizza boxes, mugs containing penicillin and your day-on-day wallchart towards the bin. Do you have children? Can you pinpoint the last sleepover where you left them? Turn this sort-your-life-out adventure into a dramatic BBC montage by slinging on Elgar's Nimrod, then filling the dishwasher and changing the cat litter tray in slow-motion while crying.
Visit the London 2012 website and bid for a PIECE OF OLYMPIC HISTORY! A Mary Poppins costume? A Maypole? A beach volleyball judge's chair? There's STADIUMS full of surreal tat on offer. Grab your credit card and make your family as happy as Mo Farah's wife post-race, as they realise you've spent their university fund on a 100ft Voldemort. (Disclaimer: Having seen how active the "dating" site Grindr.com is around the Olympic Park, don't bother bidding on the duvets.)
Visit the Australian embassy and stage a revolt about Ian "The Thorpedo" Thorpe leaving the country. Offer the Aussies Des "I find women's voices grating" Lynam in a straight swap. If they say yes, chuck in Richard Keys, Andy Gray and John McCririck as a special offer. Honour at least one sporting intention while sober which you promised to do while tipsy. Examine the Post-it Notes you've stuck on the fridge saying things like "Book judo beginners class", "Learn to dive", "Make lovely horseys dance to Beyoncé!!!!" and "Run through a major city in just my knickers and knee-socks".
Rio 2016 is yours for the taking. If your commitment to "the hand of Olympic friendship" means you've woken up in bed with an Olympian or a Gamesmaker, try to get a good look at their security lanyard as this will make issues surrounding paternity a lot smoother.
Gird your loins for a volte face of public opinion on the Olympic Park the moment all the athletes leave, when it will be portrayed as a bit like Barter Town in Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome – a hideous wasteland of abandoned buildings, smashed dreams, tumbleweed, child-killing foxes, three-headed cats and a swimming pool full of prams and toxic frogspawn. We do love a moan.
Grab some tickets for the Paralympics. Getting tickets is easy: just go to the official site, search for an event, place the tickets in your basket and then play cat and mouse for nine to 12 hours while turning the air blue and threatening macabre torture on Lord Coe. But do try. Or plan more sickies. Dame Clare Balding (she's a dame in my house) and Rick Edwards will be presenting non-stop coverage on Channel 4 from 29 August. But then, you're not that bothered about sport, are you?
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