Waiting in the wings: Fantasy film roles for the stars of football

Eric Cantona

Role

Enigmatic fisherman-artist-poet who knows where the nets are

Movie

Eric de Florette, a pastoral romance

Love

interest

Emanuelle Beart, who plays a Parisian Nike executive seeking to sponsor Eric's

hi-tech lace-up boat

Plot

summary

Eric is ostracised by his

village when he kicks to death a haddock that had given him a funny look

Sample line

"Les sardines de Provence sont belles ce soir"

Paul Gascoigne

Hurtz, an emotionally delicate and frequently injured old soldier

Apocalypse Waiting To Happen, probably a few minutes into the European Championship final

A bottle of Newcastle Brown Ale

Hurtz, summoned from obscurity into the heat of battle, clogs an opponent, hurts his leg and bursts into tears

"The horror, the horror... Givvus a crisp"

Andrea Silenzi

Huge-conked romantic failure

Cyrano of the City Ground, the tale of a striker with no nose for goal

Isabelle Adjani, who plays a Nottingham-based accountant trying to work out why Forest spent so much money on a human bench-warmer

Cyrano is a supposedly renowned seducer who talks a good game but finds it embarrassingly difficult to score

"Whoops, missed again"

Alan Hansen

James Bond

Never Say Nevin Again

Maryam D'Abo, who plays Desmond Lynam

Bond tackles a Maldini, who is shaken but not stirred

"You've got a great left peg, Blofeld, but you were way too slow moving from deep"

Les Ferdinand

Warrior-prince riven with jealousy

Offsido, a Shakespearean tragedy

Goals, an elusive mistress

Convinced that his lieutenant, Faustino, has poached the love of his life, Goals, Offsido shoots him with his own musket

"Who steals my purse, steals trash/ Who steals my Goals is somewhat rash"

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