Waiting in the wings: Fantasy film roles for the stars of football
Sunday 07 April 1996
Enigmatic fisherman-artist-poet who knows where the nets are
Eric de Florette, a pastoral romance
Emanuelle Beart, who plays a Parisian Nike executive seeking to sponsor Eric's
hi-tech lace-up boat
Eric is ostracised by his
village when he kicks to death a haddock that had given him a funny look
"Les sardines de Provence sont belles ce soir"
Hurtz, an emotionally delicate and frequently injured old soldier
Apocalypse Waiting To Happen, probably a few minutes into the European Championship final
A bottle of Newcastle Brown Ale
Hurtz, summoned from obscurity into the heat of battle, clogs an opponent, hurts his leg and bursts into tears
"The horror, the horror... Givvus a crisp"
Huge-conked romantic failure
Cyrano of the City Ground, the tale of a striker with no nose for goal
Isabelle Adjani, who plays a Nottingham-based accountant trying to work out why Forest spent so much money on a human bench-warmer
Cyrano is a supposedly renowned seducer who talks a good game but finds it embarrassingly difficult to score
"Whoops, missed again"
Never Say Nevin Again
Maryam D'Abo, who plays Desmond Lynam
Bond tackles a Maldini, who is shaken but not stirred
"You've got a great left peg, Blofeld, but you were way too slow moving from deep"
Warrior-prince riven with jealousy
Offsido, a Shakespearean tragedy
Goals, an elusive mistress
Convinced that his lieutenant, Faustino, has poached the love of his life, Goals, Offsido shoots him with his own musket
"Who steals my purse, steals trash/ Who steals my Goals is somewhat rash"
Latest in Sport
Luckless Abou Diaby full of confidence as he attempts yet another Arsenal comeback
Arturo Vidal: Midfielder must ask to join Manchester United, say Juventus
Scottie dogs in Commonwealth Games opening ceremony 'disrespectful to Muslims', say Malaysian politicians
Calum Chambers joins Arsenal: Gunners complete £16m transfer of right-back
Manchester United latest: Angel Di Maria move no closer as Juan Mata emerges as Louis van Gaal's favoured No 10 as prospect of signing
- 1 Woman and two children killed by mob in riots over 'blasphemous' Facebook post in Pakistan
- 2 The secret report that helps Israel hide facts
- 3 Is Ebola coming to Britain? UK health officials issue warning to doctors as outbreak fears grow
- 4 Richard Dawkins says 'date rape is bad, stranger rape is worse' on Twitter
- 5 Danish TV reporter is all business up top, all party down below
The secret report that helps Israel hide facts
A day in the life of Vladimir Putin: The dictator in his labyrinth
Woman and two children killed by mob in riots over 'blasphemous' Facebook post in Pakistan
Putin is 'thuggish, dishonest and reckless', says British ambassador to US
Boozy, ignorant, intolerant, but very polite – Britain as others see us
A new Russian revolution: The cracks are starting to appear in Putin’s Kremlin power bloc
Competitive: The Green Recruitment Company: The Organisation: The Green Recrui...
£350 - £400 per annum + competitive: Orgtel: Project Manager (specializing in ...
£40000 - £50000 per annum + competitive: Progressive Recruitment: Embedded Sof...
£50000 - £65000 per annum + Benefits: Progressive Recruitment: Working for a m...