Waiting in the wings: Fantasy film roles for the stars of football
Sunday 07 April 1996
Enigmatic fisherman-artist-poet who knows where the nets are
Eric de Florette, a pastoral romance
Emanuelle Beart, who plays a Parisian Nike executive seeking to sponsor Eric's
hi-tech lace-up boat
Eric is ostracised by his
village when he kicks to death a haddock that had given him a funny look
"Les sardines de Provence sont belles ce soir"
Hurtz, an emotionally delicate and frequently injured old soldier
Apocalypse Waiting To Happen, probably a few minutes into the European Championship final
A bottle of Newcastle Brown Ale
Hurtz, summoned from obscurity into the heat of battle, clogs an opponent, hurts his leg and bursts into tears
"The horror, the horror... Givvus a crisp"
Huge-conked romantic failure
Cyrano of the City Ground, the tale of a striker with no nose for goal
Isabelle Adjani, who plays a Nottingham-based accountant trying to work out why Forest spent so much money on a human bench-warmer
Cyrano is a supposedly renowned seducer who talks a good game but finds it embarrassingly difficult to score
"Whoops, missed again"
Never Say Nevin Again
Maryam D'Abo, who plays Desmond Lynam
Bond tackles a Maldini, who is shaken but not stirred
"You've got a great left peg, Blofeld, but you were way too slow moving from deep"
Warrior-prince riven with jealousy
Offsido, a Shakespearean tragedy
Goals, an elusive mistress
Convinced that his lieutenant, Faustino, has poached the love of his life, Goals, Offsido shoots him with his own musket
"Who steals my purse, steals trash/ Who steals my Goals is somewhat rash"
Sales of the tablet are set to fall again say analysts
World's most lethal spider found under a bunch of bananas
Rumours that the star wants to move on to pastures new
Comedian says he 'never laughed as hard as I have writing with Rik'
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