Why life on Mars could mean trouble for Atherton and co

Adam Szreter searches for sides England might have an earthly against

With Zimbabwe seemingly poised to join the select band that consists of every other Test-playing nation - i.e. those who routinely humiliate the game's inventors on a regular basis - the search is on in English cricket. Not to find a batsman capable of playing a decent innings, or a bowler able to take a wicket or two, but to uncover a nation small enough and inexperienced enough to grant England a morale-boosting victory.

To most intents and purposes, England's participation in the World Cup this year was a complete waste of time, but it did at least give us the opportunity to weigh up potential Test opponents in the Netherlands, the United Arab Emirates and Kenya.

Kenya's victory over the West Indies probably means they're a bit too good for England, which is a pity because it's a nice place to spend the winter. We did beat the other two, just, and games against them should be arranged forthwith before they lose interest in playing anyone as bad as England.

In 1975, during the very first World Cup, England hammered East Africa by 196 runs at Edgbaston. Four years later, at Old Trafford, Canada were bowled out for just 45, and even though Mike Brearley managed a duck England still won by eight wickets. Neither of these two teams has made particularly great strides on the world cricket stage since then, so they would seem to be ideal opponents, as long as East Africa don't include too many Kenyans.

Otherwise, pretty much anybody would do providing their country meets the usual requirements: warm weather, sandy beaches, at least one field that can be used to play cricket (preferably two), warm weather, sandy beaches and great food. Climate, leisure facilities and nutrition will also be taken into account, as will warm weather and sandy beaches. It is believed the TCCB has already established contact with tour operators in the Seychelles, the Maldives, Mauritius, Hawaii and Fiji, with the Cook Islands an each-way bet.

TCCB officials are also thought to have taken considerable interest in the recent discovery of microfossils on Mars, suggesting there was once life, and probably therefore a cricket team. However it is believed that some of the TCCB's own fossils would object to a full five-Test series being planned, as Mars has not yet been accorded full Test status.

Suggested Topics
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Caption competition
Caption competition
Latest stories from i100
Daily Quiz
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

Career Services
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Area Sales Manager - Midlands

£20000 - £25000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an exciting opportunity...

Recruitment Genius: PHP Developer - 3-4 Month Fixed Contract - £30-£35k pro rata

£30000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is a 3-4 month pro rata fi...

Recruitment Genius: Telesales Executive - OTE £26,000+

£16000 - £26000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Telesales Executive is requir...

Recruitment Genius: Area Sales Manager

£25000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an exciting opportunity to join ...

Day In a Page

Seifeddine Rezgui: What motivated a shy student to kill 38 holidaymakers in Tunisia?

Making of a killer

What motivated a shy student to kill 38 holidaymakers in Tunisia?
UK Heatwave: Temperatures on the tube are going to exceed the legal limit for transporting cattle

Just when you thought your commute couldn't get any worse...

Heatwave will see temperatures on the Tube exceed legal limit for transporting cattle
Exclusive - The Real Stories of Migrant Britain: Swapping Bucharest for London

The Real Stories of Migrant Britain

Meet the man who swapped Romania for the UK in a bid to provide for his family, only to discover that the home he left behind wasn't quite what it seemed
Cheaper energy on the way, but it's not all sunshine and rainbows

Cheaper energy on the way, but it's not all sunshine and rainbows

Solar power will help bring down electricity prices over the next five years, according to a new report. But it’s cheap imports of ‘dirty power’ that will lower them the most
Katy Perry prevented from buying California convent for $14.5m after nuns sell to local businesswoman instead

No grace of God for Katy Perry as sisters act to stop her buying convent

Archdiocese sues nuns who turned down star’s $14.5m because they don’t approve of her
Ajmer: The ancient Indian metropolis chosen to be a 'smart city' where residents would just be happy to have power and running water

Residents just want water and power in a city chosen to be a ‘smart’ metropolis

The Indian Government has launched an ambitious plan to transform 100 of its crumbling cities
Michael Fassbender in 'Macbeth': The Scottish play on film, from Welles to Cheggers

Something wicked?

Films of Macbeth don’t always end well - just ask Orson Welles... and Keith Chegwin
10 best sun creams for body

10 best sun creams for body

Make sure you’re protected from head to toe in the heatwave
Wimbledon 2015: Nick Bollettieri - Milos Raonic has ability to get to the top but he must learn to handle pressure in big games

Nick Bollettieri's Wimbledon files

Milos Raonic has ability to get to the top but he must learn to handle pressure in big games
Women's World Cup 2015: How England's semi-final success could do wonders for both sexes

There is more than a shiny trophy to be won by England’s World Cup women

The success of the decidedly non-famous females wearing the Three Lions could do wonders for a ‘man’s game’ riddled with cynicism and greed
How to stop an asteroid hitting Earth: Would people co-operate to face down a global peril?

How to stop an asteroid hitting Earth

Would people cooperate to face a global peril?
Just one day to find €1.6bn: Greece edges nearer euro exit

One day to find €1.6bn

Greece is edging inexorably towards an exit from the euro
New 'Iron Man' augmented reality technology could help surgeons and firefighters, say scientists

'Iron Man' augmented reality technology could become reality

Holographic projections would provide extra information on objects in a person's visual field in real time
Sugary drinks 'are killing 184,000 adults around the world every year'

Sugary drinks are killing 184,000 adults around the world every year

The drinks that should be eliminated from people's diets
Pride of Place: Historians map out untold LGBT histories of locations throughout UK

Historians map out untold LGBT histories

Public are being asked to help improve the map