Am I weird for being a student who hates clubbing?

People seem to think that every student likes nothing more than hitting the club of a Friday evening. Eleanor Doughty is tired of that particular cliche...

We all have fears. Stopped trains, spiders, fire. I fear clubbing, just everything about it. To check I hadn’t metamorphosed overnight, ascended to a parallel universe or lost my mind, I recently revisited a club I occasionally frequented while underage.

The room was sweaty, noisy and crowded – smelly too – with people dancing, apparently uncontrollably, to the sound of screeching beats. This is my personal hell. Hot-footing it out, I sent clubbing to my own Room 101. The horrible word ‘clubbing’, its location and the inevitable queuing fill me with a dread incomparable to anything else I am yet to discover. Halted lifts and broken Hammersmith and City line trains I can handle – a sweaty, claustrophobic dungeon, not so much.

A quick Google of ‘clubbing in 2013’ brings up Thomas Cook trips to Ayia Napa – the very pit of hell – or Ibiza Clubbing 2013, in ‘The World’s Party Capital’. Until Sun, Sex and Suspicious Parents showed its face, naively I had forgotten that people still went out ‘on the town’. I am boring, I admit. I thought it was trendier to be an anti-clubber – not my justification – and enjoy the delights of a pub window seat complete with a litre of beer and a spot of people-watching. But obviously it has something going for it – my Facebook events are spammed with invitations to ‘The Great Club Event of the Year’ where drinks are watery and lethally sickening.

At 20 years old, I shouldn’t be feeling too old for anything much more than kindergarten’s tiny chairs or the small swing at the park. But stepping into a club, I do feel old in a similar way that fresher flat parties now deeply confuse me. It’s like I claimed my pension over the summer. It’s not that I’ve grown out of it; I just never liked clubbing in the first place. Well, maybe for 10 seconds in 2008, when my participation in such activities was illegal, and therefore enriching and fun. And I’m sure I was lusting after a boy that smoked more than he danced, so I probably wasn’t inside much.

The traditional west-end club has the attached dread of a meat market. Being full of girls scantily clad, shod in double-decker platforms, they’re out for a good time. And why not? On the other side of the starting blocks, pretending they have any knowledge of courting, modern boys are ready to pounce in low cut tops and bottoms, their brows better plucked than mine. It’s the same everywhere, London to Liverpool to Sheffield to Slough – yes I’ve been to Slough – and I am none the wiser as to the attraction of these intolerable vaults.

And the photos, all the sodding photos. The nightclub photographer is a special kind of person, a proper satirist or a perilously unfunny comedian because I am yet to discover a photo of anyone ‘out on the town’ looking absolutely fabulous. A tagged photo is only worth something if it’s flattering, your existence in the prison of choice only counts if you looked nice, right? Or at least that’s what all the girls seem to think, snapping away populating Instagram with shots that seem unnervingly identical to last week’s ‘big night out’ evidence.

As clubbing is added to the ever-growing list of life’s oddities, I ought to have learned my lesson. As I walked home contemplating my (short-lived) evening, it struck me that I grow more middle-aged every day. But that’s okay, mine’s a Kronenberg. At the pub.

Eleanor Doughty is a second-year student at Queen Mary, University of London. Follow her on Twitter here. She won't follow you back.

News
people
Arts and Entertainment
A bit rich: Maggie Smith in Downton Abbey
tvDownton Abbey review: It's six months since we last caught up with the Crawley clan
Sport
Frank Lampard and his non-celebration
premier leagueManchester City vs Chelsea match report from the Etihad Stadium
Arts and Entertainment
Jake Quickenden sings his heart out in his second audition
tvX Factor: How did the Jakes - and Charlie Martinez - fare?
PROMOTED VIDEO
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Sport
premier league
Arts and Entertainment
'New Tricks' star Dennis Waterman is departing from the show after he completes filming on two more episodes
tvOnly remaining original cast-member to leave crime series
Sport
Mario Balotelli celebrates his first Liverpool goal
premier leagueLiverpool striker expressed his opinion about the 5-3 thriller with Leicester - then this happened
News
people'I hated him during those times'
News
Britain's shadow chancellor Ed Balls (L) challenges reporter Rob Merrick for the ball during the Labour Party versus the media soccer match,
peopleReporter left bleeding after tackle from shadow Chancellor in annual political football match
Arts and Entertainment
Female fans want more explicit male sex in Game of Thrones, George R R Martin says
tvSpoiler warning: Star of George RR Martin's hit series says viewers have 'not seen the last' of him/her
News
i100
News
Dame Vivienne Westwood has been raging pretty much all of her life
peopleMemoir extracts show iconic designer 'felt pressured' into going out with Sex Pistols manager
Life and Style
fashionAlexander Fury's Spring/Summer 2015 London Fashion Week roundup
Arts and Entertainment
Lauryn Hill performing at the O2 Brixton Academy last night
musicSinger was more than 90 minutes late on stage in Brixton show
News
i100
News
Rumer was diagnosed with bipolarity, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder: 'I was convinced it was a misdiagnosis'
peopleHer debut album caused her post-traumatic stress - how will she cope as she releases her third record?
News
people''Women's rights is too often synonymous with man-hating'
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs Student

KS2 Teaching Supply Wakefield

£140 - £160 per day: Randstad Education Leeds: Qualified KS2 Supply Teacher r...

Year 1/2 Teacher

£130 - £160 per day: Randstad Education Leeds: Qualified KS1 Teacher required,...

Primary Teachers Needed for Supply in Wakefield

£140 - £160 per annum: Randstad Education Leeds: Qualified KS1&2 Supply Te...

Primary KS1 NQTs required in Lambeth

£117 - £157 per day + Competitive London rates: Randstad Education Group: * Pr...

Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

Day In a Page

Scottish referendum: The Yes vote was the love that dared speak its name, but it was not to be

Despite the result, this is the end of the status quo

Boyd Tonkin on the fall-out from the Scottish referendum
Manolo Blahnik: The high priest of heels talks flats, Englishness, and why he loves Mary Beard

Manolo Blahnik: Flats, Englishness, and Mary Beard

The shoe designer who has been dubbed 'the patron saint of the stiletto'
The Beatles biographer reveals exclusive original manuscripts of some of the best pop songs ever written

Scrambled eggs and LSD

Behind The Beatles' lyrics - thanks to Hunter Davis's original manuscript copies
'Normcore' fashion: Blending in is the new standing out in latest catwalk non-trend

'Normcore': Blending in is the new standing out

Just when fashion was in grave danger of running out of trends, it only went and invented the non-trend. Rebecca Gonsalves investigates
Dance’s new leading ladies fight back: How female vocalists are now writing their own hits

New leading ladies of dance fight back

How female vocalists are now writing their own hits
Mystery of the Ground Zero wedding photo

A shot in the dark

Mystery of the wedding photo from Ground Zero
His life, the universe and everything

His life, the universe and everything

New biography sheds light on comic genius of Douglas Adams
Save us from small screen superheroes

Save us from small screen superheroes

Shows like Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D are little more than marketing tools
Reach for the skies

Reach for the skies

From pools to football pitches, rooftop living is looking up
These are the 12 best hotel spas in the UK

12 best hotel spas in the UK

Some hotels go all out on facilities; others stand out for the sheer quality of treatments
These Iranian-controlled Shia militias used to specialise in killing American soldiers. Now they are fighting Isis, backed up by US airstrikes

Widespread fear of Isis is producing strange bedfellows

Iranian-controlled Shia militias that used to kill American soldiers are now fighting Isis, helped by US airstrikes
Topshop goes part Athena poster, part last spring Prada

Topshop goes part Athena poster, part last spring Prada

Shoppers don't come to Topshop for the unique
How to make a Lego masterpiece

How to make a Lego masterpiece

Toy breaks out of the nursery and heads for the gallery
Meet the ‘Endies’ – city dwellers who are too poor to have fun

Meet the ‘Endies’ – city dwellers who are too poor to have fun

Urbanites are cursed with an acronym pointing to Employed but No Disposable Income or Savings
Paisley’s decision to make peace with IRA enemies might remind the Arabs of Sadat

Ian Paisley’s decision to make peace with his IRA enemies

His Save Ulster from Sodomy campaign would surely have been supported by many a Sunni imam