Am I weird for being a student who hates clubbing?

People seem to think that every student likes nothing more than hitting the club of a Friday evening. Eleanor Doughty is tired of that particular cliche...

We all have fears. Stopped trains, spiders, fire. I fear clubbing, just everything about it. To check I hadn’t metamorphosed overnight, ascended to a parallel universe or lost my mind, I recently revisited a club I occasionally frequented while underage.

The room was sweaty, noisy and crowded – smelly too – with people dancing, apparently uncontrollably, to the sound of screeching beats. This is my personal hell. Hot-footing it out, I sent clubbing to my own Room 101. The horrible word ‘clubbing’, its location and the inevitable queuing fill me with a dread incomparable to anything else I am yet to discover. Halted lifts and broken Hammersmith and City line trains I can handle – a sweaty, claustrophobic dungeon, not so much.

A quick Google of ‘clubbing in 2013’ brings up Thomas Cook trips to Ayia Napa – the very pit of hell – or Ibiza Clubbing 2013, in ‘The World’s Party Capital’. Until Sun, Sex and Suspicious Parents showed its face, naively I had forgotten that people still went out ‘on the town’. I am boring, I admit. I thought it was trendier to be an anti-clubber – not my justification – and enjoy the delights of a pub window seat complete with a litre of beer and a spot of people-watching. But obviously it has something going for it – my Facebook events are spammed with invitations to ‘The Great Club Event of the Year’ where drinks are watery and lethally sickening.

At 20 years old, I shouldn’t be feeling too old for anything much more than kindergarten’s tiny chairs or the small swing at the park. But stepping into a club, I do feel old in a similar way that fresher flat parties now deeply confuse me. It’s like I claimed my pension over the summer. It’s not that I’ve grown out of it; I just never liked clubbing in the first place. Well, maybe for 10 seconds in 2008, when my participation in such activities was illegal, and therefore enriching and fun. And I’m sure I was lusting after a boy that smoked more than he danced, so I probably wasn’t inside much.

The traditional west-end club has the attached dread of a meat market. Being full of girls scantily clad, shod in double-decker platforms, they’re out for a good time. And why not? On the other side of the starting blocks, pretending they have any knowledge of courting, modern boys are ready to pounce in low cut tops and bottoms, their brows better plucked than mine. It’s the same everywhere, London to Liverpool to Sheffield to Slough – yes I’ve been to Slough – and I am none the wiser as to the attraction of these intolerable vaults.

And the photos, all the sodding photos. The nightclub photographer is a special kind of person, a proper satirist or a perilously unfunny comedian because I am yet to discover a photo of anyone ‘out on the town’ looking absolutely fabulous. A tagged photo is only worth something if it’s flattering, your existence in the prison of choice only counts if you looked nice, right? Or at least that’s what all the girls seem to think, snapping away populating Instagram with shots that seem unnervingly identical to last week’s ‘big night out’ evidence.

As clubbing is added to the ever-growing list of life’s oddities, I ought to have learned my lesson. As I walked home contemplating my (short-lived) evening, it struck me that I grow more middle-aged every day. But that’s okay, mine’s a Kronenberg. At the pub.

Eleanor Doughty is a second-year student at Queen Mary, University of London. Follow her on Twitter here. She won't follow you back.

News
people
News
A survey carried out by Sainsbury's Finance found 20% of new university students have never washed their own clothes, while 14% cannot even boil an egg
science...and the results are not as pointless as that sounds
News
politicsIs David Cameron trying to prove he's down with the kids?
News
Cumberbatch was speaking on US television when he made the comment (Getty)
people
PROMOTED VIDEO
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs Student

Ashdown Group: Trainee / Graduate Helpdesk Analyst

£20000 per annum: Ashdown Group: A highly reputable business is looking to rec...

Ashdown Group: Graduate Data Analyst - Essex - £25,000

£23500 - £25000 per annum + Training: Ashdown Group: Graduate Data analyst/Sys...

Recruitment Genius: Graduate Account Manager

£16000 - £30000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Graduate Account Manager is r...

Guru Careers: Graduate Account Manager / Sales Executive

£18k + Uncapped Commission (£60k Y1 OTE): Guru Careers: A Graduate Account Man...

Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

Day In a Page

Woman who was sent to three Nazi death camps describes how she escaped the gas chamber

Auschwitz liberation 70th anniversary

Woman sent to three Nazi death camps describes surviving gas chamber
DSK, Dodo the Pimp, and the Carlton Hotel

The inside track on France's trial of the year

Dominique Strauss-Kahn, Dodo the Pimp, and the Carlton Hotel:
As provocative now as they ever were

Sarah Kane season

Why her plays are as provocative now as when they were written
Murder of Japanese hostage has grim echoes of a killing in Iraq 11 years ago

Murder of Japanese hostage has grim echoes of another killing

Japanese mood was against what was seen as irresponsible trips to a vicious war zone
Syria crisis: Celebrities call on David Cameron to take more refugees as one young mother tells of torture by Assad regime

Celebrities call on David Cameron to take more Syrian refugees

One young mother tells of torture by Assad regime
The enemy within: People who hear voices in their heads are being encouraged to talk back – with promising results

The enemy within

People who hear voices in their heads are being encouraged to talk back
'In Auschwitz you got used to anything'

'In Auschwitz you got used to anything'

Survivors of the Nazi concentration camp remember its horror, 70 years on
Autumn/winter menswear 2015: The uniforms that make up modern life come to the fore

Autumn/winter menswear 2015

The uniforms that make up modern life come to the fore
'I'm gay, and plan to fight military homophobia'

'I'm gay, and plan to fight military homophobia'

Army general planning to come out
Iraq invasion 2003: The bloody warnings six wise men gave to Tony Blair as he prepared to launch poorly planned campaign

What the six wise men told Tony Blair

Months before the invasion of Iraq in 2003, experts sought to warn the PM about his plans. Here, four of them recall that day
25 years of The Independent on Sunday: The stories, the writers and the changes over the last quarter of a century

25 years of The Independent on Sunday

The stories, the writers and the changes over the last quarter of a century
Homeless Veterans appeal: 'Really caring is a dangerous emotion in this kind of work'

Homeless Veterans appeal

As head of The Soldiers' Charity, Martin Rutledge has to temper compassion with realism. He tells Chris Green how his Army career prepared him
Wu-Tang Clan and The Sexual Objects offer fans a chance to own the only copies of their latest albums

Smash hit go under the hammer

It's nice to pick up a new record once in a while, but the purchasers of two latest releases can go a step further - by buying the only copy
Geeks who rocked the world: Documentary looks back at origins of the computer-games industry

The geeks who rocked the world

A new documentary looks back at origins of the computer-games industry
Belle & Sebastian interview: Stuart Murdoch reveals how the band is taking a new direction

Belle & Sebastian is taking a new direction

Twenty years ago, Belle & Sebastian was a fey indie band from Glasgow. It still is – except today, as prime mover Stuart Murdoch admits, it has a global cult following, from Hollywood to South Korea