Starring: Robert De Niro, Ashton Kutcher, Sarah Jessica Parker

"When is he going to die?" enquires one mariachi owl, part of a chorus of owls, to another. "Soon compadre, soon," is the deadpan reply.

What's it like be a 15-year-old playing a pirate in a Hollywood blockbuster alongside Johnny Depp and Penelope Cruz?

Raven-haired, stop-you-in-your-stride-eyed Diana Quick is just the kind of memoirist who would have readers flicking to the index for a pagination of juicy bits.

Four Weddings: funny. Notting Hill: not bad. Bridget Jones: decent. Love Actually: barely passable. Mr Bean's Holiday: oh dear. And so to TBTR, Richard Curtis's latest, which continues the plummeting trajectory.

The director Hoyt H Yeatman Jr (an American, perchance?) says he got the idea for this adventure movie about guinea pigs as special agents from his five-year-old son. Thanks a lot, kid.

Bill Nighy stars in Disney's new comedy-adventure film G-Force, about guinea pigs who are secretly government spies. This is Disney's latest entry in the 3D animation wars.

Guests ummed and ahhed as they wound themselves around Eva Rothschild's giant, room-encompassing zig-zag of a sculpture that was the centrepiece for Tate Britain's summer party on Monday.

As taxis parked up for the "Grand Unveiling" of the £80m rebirth of the Langham Hotel London, a cool Bill Nighy sauntered by on foot, smoothly unaffected by the Tube strike that had caused such mayhem earlier in the day.

Pirate radio and Richard Curtis - it should have been a winning combination. But was it? The latest film up for discussion in The Independent Film Forum is The Boat That Rocked. Sentimental pap or rocking comedy? Is the ensemble cast any good? Is the film worth it for the soundtrack alone? Add your comments below and we'll print the best of them in next Wednesday's paper.

Andrew Lincoln – cherubically curly, puppy dog-eyed love interest on British TV screens for the past decade – doesn't look quite himself today. His exuberant locks have been tamed, almost shaved off, he's wearing a lurid lime green and emerald golf sweater and is jangling some really quite nasty, cheap, yellowy gold jewellery. You'd never catch comfy old This Life favourite Egg, or classy, romantic Mark (who falls for his best friend's bride in Love Actually) in such an ostentatious rude-boy get-up.