Album reviews: John Sheppard, Max Richter, Les Vents Francais

John Sheppard "Sacred Choral Music" (Delphian)

My beard: I wanted Captain Haddock. I got George Michael

I'm back in Britain after two- and-half-weeks on holiday in the South of France. Having just done two months of solid filming for Fool Britannia 2, it wasn't just my mind that needed a rest. It was also my poor face, that had undergone about three hours of prosthetics every morning in order to transform me into whatever weird character we were filming that day. I was sick of putting stuff on my skin, so I decided to give it a total detox and not shave or do anything for the whole holiday. And so it began, my initiation into the world of the beard.

The former first lady, Carla Bruni-Sarkozy

Carla Bruni-Sarkozy attacked over £350k website

The former first lady, Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, is threatening legal action after an online petition asked her to repay nearly €410,000 (£354,000) used to fund her website while her husband was President.

Johnny Depp in London for the Lone Ranger premiere

'Acting is insane for a human being': Johnny Depp hints at plans to retire from movie-making

Johnny Depp has said he could retire from movie-making soon and described the life of an actor as "a kind of insane option for a human being".

Look out: Broad shoulders take Idris Elba’s DCI John Luther a long way

TV review: Luther - I can’t tell my farce from my Idris Elba

‘Luther’ is back, with over-the-top murders and its tongue in its cheek

Mort-ish: (from left) Anne Consigny as Claire Séguret, Yara Pilartz as Camille Séguret, Frédéric Pierrot as Jérôme Séguret, Jenna Thiam as Léna Séguret in ‘The Returned’

Grace Dent on TV: The Returned, Channel 4

It's the undead with subtitles. Only they don't explain why zombies like pasta so much

Effigies, Indulgences, Anarchist...David Bowie opens up (sort of) about The Next Day in 42 words

The below mixture of unrelated terms might look like something that has been thrown up during an advanced game of Scrabble, but it is actually a “work flow diagram” explanation of David Bowie’s new album.

Phoebe Philo shows a new take on the laundry bag in her Céline collection

Celine gets carried away wholly gentle clothes

The mood book left on seats for the Céline autumn/winter catwalk show was printed with ethereal images of marble statues, clouds and woollen yarn – all in a neutral, bleached-out tone.

Jonny Hallyday was seduced by Edith Piaf

'I was terrified': Jonny Hallyday reveals how he was seduced at 17 - by a 44-year-old Edith Piaf

He was a teenage rocker on the rise and she was a national treasure on the skids

Beyond Serge: Jane Birkin is back in Britain but Gainsbourg is never far away

Jane Birkin: 'I was no Lolita,' says Britain's Bardot

Reflecting on her role as muse for Serge Gainsbourg, the actress and singer is clearly still under his spell, writes Jonathan Owen

Nicolas Sarkozy with his wife, Carla Bruni

Premières Dames past and present join election pantomime

François Hollande's girlfriend is furious with President Nicolas Sarkozy. So is his former wife, Cécilia.

A Monster in Paris 3D (U)

Voices: Vanessa Paradis, Adam Goldberg

Album: Guglielmo Pellarin, Federico Lovato, French Music for Horn & Piano (Audite)

This collection of pieces from the 19th and 20th centuries is intended to display the increasing range and versatility of the French horn following the addition of valves to the instrument – although the essential sonic personality remains unchanged throughout, from the mournful grace of Saint-Saëns's "Romance for Horn & Piano" to Poulenc's "Elegie" written in the late 1950s in memoriam of horn player Dennis Brain.

Album: Poulenc, Concerto pour Deux Pianos et Orchestre – Nima Eterna Brugge (Zig Zag)

Jos van Immerseel's period-instruments orchestra continues its survey of French music with this toothsome programme.

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The other Mugabe who is lining up for the Zimbabwean presidency

Wife of President Robert Mugabe appears to have her sights set on succeeding her husband
The model of a gadget launch: Cultivate an atmosphere of mystery and excitement to sell stuff people didn't realise they needed

The model for a gadget launch

Cultivate an atmosphere of mystery and excitement to sell stuff people didn't realise they needed
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She's done pretty well, for a boffin without a beard

Alice Roberts talks about her new book on evolution - and why her early TV work drew flak from (mostly male) colleagues
Get well soon, Joan Rivers - an inspiration, whether she likes it or not

Get well soon, Joan Rivers

She is awful. But she's also wonderful, not in spite of but because of the fact she's forever saying appalling things, argues Ellen E Jones
Doctor Who Into the Dalek review: A classic sci-fi adventure with all the spectacle of a blockbuster

A fresh take on an old foe

Doctor Who Into the Dalek more than compensated for last week's nonsensical offering
Fashion walks away from the celebrity runway show

Fashion walks away from the celebrity runway show

As the collections start, fashion editor Alexander Fury finds video and the internet are proving more attractive
Meet the stars of TV's Wolf Hall... and it's not the cast of the Tudor trilogy

Meet the stars of TV's Wolf Hall...

... and it's not the cast of the Tudor trilogy
Weekend at the Asylum: Europe's biggest steampunk convention heads to Lincoln

Europe's biggest steampunk convention

Jake Wallis Simons discovers how Victorian ray guns and the martial art of biscuit dunking are precisely what the 21st century needs
Don't swallow the tripe – a user's guide to weasel words

Don't swallow the tripe – a user's guide to weasel words

Lying is dangerous and unnecessary. A new book explains the strategies needed to avoid it. John Rentoul on the art of 'uncommunication'
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Daddy, who was Richard Attenborough?

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Soldier-poet Brian Turner on his new memoir

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Villa were not surprised that Vlaar was a World Cup star

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Bill Granger's simple Italian salads

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The Last Word: Tumbleweed through deserted stands and suites at Wembley

The Last Word: Tumbleweed through deserted stands and suites at Wembley

If supporters begin to close bank accounts, switch broadband suppliers or shun satellite sales, their voices will be heard. It’s time for revolution