It's as if poodle rock never went away when Mötley Crüe and the hair metallists get together

Whether you're a Boris biker, a lycra-clad commuter or an off-road racer, we’ve got all the gear to keep you safe, secure and looking cool.

If cycling for you means fat tyres and front forks with more bounce than a beach ball, you probably ditched this column years ago, so fixated am I on the road. But, guess what, I've been mountain biking! And it was scary, although I was lucky enough not to be eaten by a bear.

Skin-tight black lycra catsuit, severe fringed bob and jet-black eye shadow, all finished with a cropped leather biker jacket and shoulder pads. Kate Nash's new look certainly matches the scenester setting – an intimate converted warehouse tucked down a Hoxton backstreet. But as first impressions go, the crowd seem miffed. There's a dour-faced dominatrix sitting centre stage behind the keyboard, where a smiling frock-clad girl-next-door used to be.

When it comes to clothing, the word "vintage" covers a wide spectrum of personal definitions. For sticklers, it's a term to describe everything that falls between a flapper dress and a hippy-chick maxi – garments produced between 1920 and 1980. For others, it's just a more poetic way of referring to a belt they've pilfered from their mother's wardrobe.

If laughter is the best form of therapy, then the British-based physical comedy troupe Spymonkey are just the tonic. Their brand new show, Moby Dick, is about an impresario called Tony Parks, whose ambition it is to put on Moby Dick: The Play. Quite how to put a whale on stage was just one of the challenges faced by the quartet, who got round it by dressing one of their actors in white lycra.

Beth Ditto is known for her idiosyncratic rock yodel, her sexual preferences and, of course, her habit of taking her clothes off on-stage. She isn't one to hide her lights under a bushel, nor is she one to hide her bushel under the stage lights. Fans and critics alike have been treated to the most intimate details of her (under)garments, and now high street shoppers will be too.

The celebrations of Manchester United's players after they won the Premier League on Sunday were relatively low-key, considering the ruckus at their Christmas party, which was 13 hours long and cost £25,000, with the final score: rape allegations, one; arrests, one; prosecutions, nil.