At Wigan, Martinez does not ask his players to extinguish the stars, but to reach for them

Given that Ann Widdecombe spent her prime promoting Victorian attitudes to abortion and homosexuality, you could argue she has some atoning to do, and her self-reinvention certainly makes a start.

Photographer Simon Barker was there to capture it. Michael Bracewell opens his archive.

Apparently, there is a new Olympic qualifying standard for those wanting to represent Great Britain – or Team GB, to use the ghastly official name. The Sports minister, Hugh Robertson, has declared that: "If you are going to represent Britain at the Olympics then I think it is sensible to know the words of the national anthem. I would say it is even more necessary if you think you are going to win a medal."

Engelbert Humperdinck. Of course. With a name like that, he was born to perform at the Eurovision Song Contest. Or he would be if he hadn't been born the rather less mellifluous Arnold Dorsey. In any case, the generously sideburned crooner, who last had a hit 42 years ago, has been chosen to represent Le Royaume-Uni at the annual extravaganza of poor taste and point-scoring. And the 75-year-old, best known for executing an unlikely chart coup when his soupy "Release Me" denied The Beatles' "Strawberry Fields Forever" the No 1 spot, will do so with a song written by the man behind James Blunt's wet-blanket anthem "You're Beautiful". This is ignominy indeed.

It’s on occasions like this that the star-rating system runs into irreconcilable difficulties. I honestly cannot remember a time when musical and theatrical values were in such total divergence.

For a while now, UK label 4AD have been presenting artfully shot videos of bands from their roster performing their music in studio settings – with the likes of Gang Gang Dance and St Vincent appearing at 4ad.com/sessions.

From 1955 to 1962, it seemed only the Americans could create convincing rock'n'roll, and few British records could compete. One exception was the atmospheric "Shakin' All Over" from Johnny Kidd and the Pirates (1960): the tense stop/start song, Kidd's belligerent vocal and Joe Moretti's dramatic guitar breaks combined to make a remarkable record.

View From The Sofa: Manchester United v Liverpool, Sky / Country at the BBC, BBC 2

It must be terrifying to set up this show. L’Immédiat starts with a stage full of clutter. Furniture, cardboard boxes, ladders and stage equipment pack the whole space, out to the wings and right back to the loading bay. It looks like a junkyard, but there must be some method in the madness: performers charge through it, over it, under it, as furniture collapses under them and the scenery caves in.

Simone Fassari and Camilla Pessi, the award-winning double act Baccala Clowns, bow in triumph because they’ve managed to juggle a single apple. Then they flip coolly through challenging acrobatics, Pessi poised on one hand on Fassari’s head. Pss Pss is a children’s show that works for its young audience, and for adults too.

Tickets from £10 - save up to 50 per cent

Panto is having a bumper year, despite the recession. Adam Sherwin reports