Simon Calder: the man who pays his way

It's official: world's safest plane is a Soviet relic

Airlines, you do not need me to remind you, are having a lousy time. For most of them, the only way to survive the present slump in bookings is to amalgamate. As part of a larger entity, they can gain economies of scale and cut wasteful duplication. The world's leading airlines have been busily falling in and out of alliances for years. Star Alliance and Oneworld are dominated by their US members, United and American Airlines respectively, but encompass airlines from the UK and elsewhere. British Airways is part of Oneworld, while BMI belongs to Star.

The Star Alliance lost Ansett of Australia when it went bust, but nabbed Canadian Airlines from Oneworld. (Canadian was swallowed up by Air Canada, which is now itself teetering on the brink.) The Qualiflyer Group used to be known by wags in the industry as "Cauliflower", but everything turned mushy when its principal player, Swissair, went spectacularly bankrupt. And Skyteam has the distinct air of comprising airlines that couldn't quite make it into the first team: Delta, Air France and Korean Air.

In these difficult days, everyone needs friends to thrive – and massive marketing budgets. But one international grouping is already so well known and has such a high profile that its future is secure. Ladies and gentlemen, comrades and companeros, I bring you the Axis of Evil Airline Alliance.

Since Washington deemed Cuba, Iran, Iraq, Libya, North Korea and Syria to comprise the Axis of Evil, I like to think that senior executives from these airlines have been meeting in secret to develop a brand strategy.

The first essential is the name. Communist North Korea and Cuba doubtless favour Red Star Alliance. Several of the Axis members are notorious for espionage, making Spyteam the obvious choice. And any nations that actually possess weapons of mass destruction will opt for Noworld rather than Oneworld.

Next, the route network. This is where the first cracks in the axis begin to appear. After a decade on the sidelines, while its planes were banned from flying internationally, Libyan Arab Airlines offers services to London, Amsterdam, Rome, Vienna and Casablanca. For anyone seeking a conversion on the flightpath to Damascus, Syrian Arab Airlines will whisk you there from Frankfurt, Paris or Moscow. Iran Air, once the leading airline of the Islamic world, can extend the network to Tokyo and Beijing – where you can transfer to North Korea's airline, Air Koryo, whose all-Soviet fleet has a hub in Pyongyang.

The Western hemisphere is the preserve of Cubana, which is hampered by a ban on flying to anywhere in the US. Iraqi Airways is hampered by its complete lack of routes. The 13-strong fleet of Boeing jets, based at what will henceforth be known as George W Bush International Airport in Baghdad, flies nowhere. The airline's entire operation is a no-fly zone.

Choosing a name for a common frequent-flyer scheme (or, in the case of Iraqi Airways, non-flyer scheme) is easy: instead of Lufthansa's Miles & More, the Axis airlines' programme will surely be called Hearts & Minds.

Unlike carriers in the West, the Axis airlines do not have ideas above their station. Iran Air's mission statement is refreshingly frank and unambitious: "Iran Air philosophy is to provide the required air services within Iran and not necessarily to make the highest profit."

Other airline alliances pride themselves on a "seamless" service when transferring from one carrier to another. This cannot be guaranteed on the Axis alliance. For a start, asking for a Cuba Libre on a Cubana flight will bring you a generous helping of rum and Coke, while aboard the Middle Eastern Axis members it could land you in jail. Then there's the condition of the planes. None of the Syrian airline's Airbuses is more than five years old, but the baby of the Libyan Arab Airlines fleet is a 20-year-old Fokker.

Judging the average age of the Cubana fleet is tricky, because its planes keep going missing. This week, the second hijack of a Cuban plane in a fortnight saw what was supposed to be a domestic flight arrive in Florida. On the hijackers' scale of success, this latest act of aviation piracy cannot be judged a complete triumph: the plane, from Cuba's Isle of Youth, was so low on fuel that it had to stop in Havana to refuel in order to cover the last 100 miles to Florida. The old Antonov has joined another Cuban plane on the Tarmac at Key West; there does not seem a huge demand for flights in the opposite direction.

A brief glance at aviation safety statistics is enough to conclude that the most dangerous airline in the world is Cubana. While many airlines have never suffered a fatal crash, Cuba's national carrier has experienced a depressing number of accidents, partly because it is obliged to fly clapped-out Soviet-built planes. But Fidel Castro, president of Cuba, refuses to accept there is anything wrong with the airline – and the Ilyushin 62 that forms the backbone of its fleet.

"Travelling round the world at these times is not easy," says Dr Castro. "Doing it with discretion, and waiting as long as possible to report flight plans is even more difficult." To make matters worse, the president's official plane is an antiquated Ilyushin 62. These old jets drink fuel, and make a dreadful noise.

"But they always take off," says Dr Castro, "and whenever they take off, they land." Unfortunately for the 126 people aboard a Cubana Ilyushin heading for Italy, their plane landed, or rather crashed, two miles after taking off from Havana airport one stormy night in 1989.

By now, the Cuban leader is well into his stride: "I flew on one of these planes for the first time 32 years ago, when I visited President Salvador Allende in Chile, and I have done so ever since. They are built strong, like the Soviet farm tractors of the same era, built to stand up to the test of Cuban tractor drivers. Their pilots are Olympic champions." The close proximity between the airline's pilots and Cuban tractor drivers in that passage might alarm some. But Fidel has no fears: "The technicians and mechanics that repair them are the best in the world. We have just flown around the world in one of them for the second time. I truly admire these excellent machines from the former USSR; I am deeply grateful for them, and I recommend them to my fellow Cubans and to tourists. They are the safest planes in the world. And I am proof of that."

You might imagine that the Boeing 717 or 777, or the Airbus A330 or A340, should qualify as the safest planes in the world, since they have never suffered a fatal accident. But then Castro is also on record as saying that Cuba is "the most democratic country in the world".

travel@independent.co.uk