'The mattress clearly looked as if someone had been murdered on it'

First holiday memory?

We were driving off in our Bond Minicar when I was about three and crashed in dense fog somewhere near Scarborough. I remember waiting in the car for a very long time for my dad to come back with some assistance.

Best holiday?

The Norfolk Broads in 1978 - my mates and I took off from Beccles and sailed around from there. My honeymoon at Le Saint Géran in Mauritius was pretty good, too. There was a cyclone at the time so we were room-bound for two days and we couldn't imagine what to do!

Favourite place in the British Isles?

There are so many, but two are Helvellyn in the Lake District and the coast around Bamburgh in Northumberland. There are big sand dunes and it can be quite bleak, but also otherworldly.

What have you learnt from your travels?

Not to ask for directions. Whenever I ask anyone, I get pointed in the wrong direction.

Ideal travelling companion?

Nancy and my kids. Otherwise, it would be William Dampier, who was a 17th-century privateer. He sailed around the world mapping it and pretty much discovered Australia before Captain Cook.

Beach bum, culture vulture or adrenalin junkie?

Culture: I can't lie on a beach for more than five minutes. I like to find out what's going on.

Greatest travel luxury?

I take all manner of recording equipment with me. I went to Costa Rica last year and took a suitcase filled with dictaphones, video cameras and paintbrushes.

Holiday reading?

I usually take a novel to read on the plane and then I buy books that relate to where I am when I arrive. I then become a bore and reel off all the facts I've learnt for about three hours.

Where has seduced you?

Corcovado National Park in Costa Rica was one of the most amazing, beautiful and wild places I've been to. I was filming a television programme about tapirs and I soon learnt that monkeys have an extremely good aim. If you stood still for too long they'd crap on you from the tree canopy. They thought it was hilarious.

Better to travel or arrive?

I can't abide travel, I just want to be there. When I was a kid, I assumed that we'd have time machines by now.

Worst travel experience?

I was coming back from Sithnos and had to stop off in Athens. I stayed at a place that cost about £1 a night. My room was subterranean with lots of rats, a mattress that clearly looked as if someone had been murdered on it and a lampshade made out of a carrier bag. I didn't sleep a wink and fled Athens the next morning.

Worst hotel?

We stayed at a ranger's hut in Corcovado National Park. I slept on a plank that was infested with cockroaches. Apparently, it used to be a brothel before it was a ranger's hut.

Best hotel?

The Tontine near Northallerton in Yorkshire. A friend of mine runs it and it's fantastic. The decor is very eclectic, and the food is great.

Favourite walk/swim/ride/drive?

My favourite walk is in Sequoia National Park in California. You start off seeing these enormous trees and by the time you get to the middle and see the General Grant Tree, which is just vast, it makes the others look small. I also like swimming in the Blue Lagoon in Iceland because you can play hide and seek in the mist. My favourite drive is Chapman's Peak Drive along a cliff edge near Cape Town.

Best meal abroad?

In Krabi, I had a Thai breakfast, which was a bit like porridge with chilli and prawns in it. It was fantastic. Also, on our honeymoon, I secretly booked a meal on the beach and Nancy had done the same on the same night. We both turned up thinking we'd been very clever, but it was a lovely meal.

First thing you do when you arrive somewhere new?

Check out the room, then go and have a wander to see what's around.

Dream trip?

I'd like to go to the North Pole.

Favourite city?

London. I still love wandering around and could do it for two weeks quite happily.

Where next?

To Suffolk, around Walberswick and Southwold, with Nancy and our twins. We can't go very far because they're tiny, but it's so lovely around there.

'Me:Moir: Volume One 0-20' by Vic Reeves, is published by Virgin Books in hardback, £18.99