Some things are so `old-millennium' that if you don't do them before 1 January they'll be totally passe

Click to follow
The Independent Travel
Only a fortnight to pack in all the things you should have done this millennium and might regret leaving until the next one! I have just compiled this list of the things - in favour while the second millennium lasted - which I predict are likely to be out of fashion during the third:

1 Copulating on an Indian beach without anyone else noticing.

2 Spotting penguins and bears at the polar ice-caps (which are about to disappear beneath the waves on account of global warming).

3 Finding fresh fruits and vegetables on your holiday that you would not have been able to find in the same season in your local supermarket back home.

4 Renting cottages in any undiscovered fishing village anywhere on the face of the earth.

5 Taking holidays on low-lying coral islands, such as those in the Maldives or the South Pacific.

6 Travelling across any desert or area of wilderness using a route and means of transport not yet dreamt up by some previous nut.

7 Taking any photograph that has not already been taken or writing any postcard that has not already been written.

8 Smoking cigarettes while riding a horse across the Arizona desert.

9 Visiting the first world war cemeteries and battle-grounds of Ypres, the Somme, etc, which are about to be relegated into the same division of historical proximity as the Napoleonic wars.

10 Arriving in a country where the people are pleased to see you because you speak English.

11 Acquiring ancient insights into the origins of human nature from Bedouins, African nomads, Papua New Guinean savages and so on.

12 Noticing different pop songs playing on taxi stereos as you travel from one country to the next.

13 Pinching blondes' bottoms (if you are an Italian man).

14 Being uncontactable for years at a time on trans-world expeditions.

15 Returning home after years away, expecting your stories of strange lands where men carry their heads beneath their chests to be believed.

16 Gasping in astonishment at the sight of horseless carriages in the Mall.

17 Dining in a restaurant which does not feature seared loin of tuna on the menu.

18 Bringing back noodles, paper and gun-powder from China, to the incredulity of your kinsmen.

19 Dressing up in chain-mail suits, seizing Mediterranean islands and establishing small kingdoms on them.

20 Staying in a hotel so remote that even CNN is not available there.

21 Exclaiming "But I say, I'm British" upon being arrested for loud and wanton behaviour in a foreign climate.

Not yet done all of these things? Squeeze them in before the end of the year, I say, if you don't want to look out of date in 2000.