Hooray! This must be Bali.
COUNTRY AND REGION
You are in the south-eastern province of Jiangxi in China.
NATURE OF THE TERRAIN
You have landed on the eastern rim of Poyang Hu, the largest freshwater lake in China. Surrounding the lake are endless paddy fields, broken up by a network of waterways.
About 25 metres.
Being crushed in a scrum of curious locals who will gather to ogle at the weirdo (that's you) while suggesting rip-off taxi fares to get you back to civilization.
Don't get too cocky if you happen to speak Mandarin: the local dialect will have as much in common with Mandarin as, say, German has with English.
TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
Engineer turned economic reformer, President Jiang Zemin.
LIKELY WEATHER CONDITIONS
The weather is miserably cold and damp, but being south of the Yangtze River you won't find any central heating anywhere. Make sure you are wearing three layers of trousers like the locals do.
REASONS FOR HANGING AROUND
If fine porcelain is your cup of tea go to Jingdezhen (just 175km away), where you can tour the ceramic factory and visit the Museum of Ceramic History. Alternatively, if you fancy a Long March, you could walk to Shaoshan - the birthplace of Chairman Mao - just 400km to the south-east in Hunan Province.
GETTING THE HELL OUT OF THERE
Steal a bicycle from the nearby town of Boyang and pedal furiously to the railway station in Jingdezhen, then jump on a train for Peking where the British Consulate will lend you the price of the air fare back to the UK.