Travel: End results of the initially challenged

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The Independent Travel
'WILL Arrive Late Expecting Sex,' wrote Richard Roberts of Worcestershire in a note to me that was hand-delivered by the clearly shaken junior from the postroom. 'The initial letters spell 'Wales',' I told him. 'It's a competition we're running, you know, like Norwich (Nickers Off Ready When I Come Home) or Burma (Be Upstairs Ready My Angel).' But the post-boy had already beaten a retreat. Just as well he did not see the really obscene entries.

One of our judges pointed out that a similar competition was set some years ago by the New Statesman. Winning entries included Edinburgh (Erection Definitely Imminent Now, Book Usual Room, Grand Hotel) and - improbably - the longest place name in Britain: Llanfair . . . (Welshness omitted) . . . gogogoch (which began Listen, Love, Accountancy's No Fun, and concluded God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh Christ, Hanky]')

We gave four place names, suggested they might be acronyms, and asked what the letters might stand for. A couple of readers attempted a mini- saga. Neil Wooler of Northampton, for example, combined all four names in a tale that included: Trousers Off, Doc Martens Off, Ready Darling, Engage Neutral . . . Now - A Moment In Bliss Is Approaching.

Erith provided the toughest challenge. Ken McKenzie of Glasgow clearly found inspiration in familiar indiscretions: Expect Right Intensive Toe-Job Honey. Wales caused some shaky handwriting. Wear Anything Lacy (Except Shawl), said John Berry of London E7. Most exotic was C Smyth of London N1 with Wear All Leather Earmuffs, Sweetheart.

Namibia encouraged creativity. Peter Barron of London N7 also had politicians on his mind: No. Another Ministerial Indiscretion Basically Isn't Acceptable. Liz Saunders of Oxford waxed poetic with Nocturnal Adventures Merited. I Bide In Anticipation. Hazel Carruthers struck an apologetic note: Nickers Arouse Me In Bed, I'm Afraid. Mr T Allen revealed admirable British candour in matters amorous: Not Action Man In Bed I Agree.

The star category was undoubtedly Todmorden. Mr and Mrs Slay of Chichester set the tone with: Tear Off Dress, Make Outrageous Remarks, Don Erotic Nightwear. C & J Fox of Manchester also got down to basics: Togs Off, Darling. Move Over] Recreation Demanding Entire Nudity.

Tansy Forrest of Epsom hinted at aristocracy: Tonight Our Downstairs Maid Ought Really Dine Elsewhere (Noise]). No such class for Michael and Eileen Wallace of Fife: Take Off Dress, Mate On Rug, Don't Expect Niceties. S C M O'Reilly of - where else? - Todmorden hints at a bleak home life: Teeth Out Dear, My Organ Requires Deflating Ere Night.

The winner, chosen because the judges agreed it displayed the most imagination, was: Turn Off Dictation Machine, Office Raver, Discretion Ends Now. Peter Hodge of Witney wins a weekend break for two in the handsome riverside Hotel Nelson in Norwich. We did not have the budget for Burma.

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