I'm adopting my own two children as I'm scared Trump could tear same-sex families apart

This week, I held my son, clinging to my neck for safety, as I walked into the courthouse to yet again prove that I am his and his sister’s mom

Last week, I was heading home from another long shift as an ER nurse dealing with this pandemic. My attorney wife of seven years called to tell me that she had printed out the paperwork for me to legally adopt my own two children and we needed to file it now. At first, I was confused. This feeling was followed shortly by anger, frustration, heartbreak and sadness.  

Why do I need to rush to adopt my five-year-old daughter and one-year-old son, whom I have been a parent to since conception, have rocked through sleepless nights, cheered for every milestone met, and am legally married to their biological mother? Because a now-ultra conservative Supreme Court and Trump re-election could legally break up my family.  

When I met my wife, I knew she was the one I’d want to marry and become mommies with. Although we live in California, we legally wed in my wife’s home state of Massachusetts in 2013 as marriage has been legal there since 2003. We cheered as the Supreme Court ruled in 2015 that the fundamental right to marry cannot be denied to same sex couples, just two months before my wife gave birth to our daughter. This was a huge weight off our shoulders knowing that our legal marriage would now be recognized in all states and all the benefits that come with a marriage. We rejoiced in this decision, watching the White House light up in rainbow colors moving our country forward, thinking our family’s rights were finally protected forever.  

The decision of which mom would carry our children was a logistical decision. I always wanted to be pregnant but when medical issues prevented me from carrying a baby safely, we were thankful we had another uterus in the relationship. I grieved the loss of my own chance to be pregnant, but in the end, it didn't matter because they were our kids, equally.  

When my wife delivered our baby girl, she was placed in my arms and I became “mama”. In 2015, California law held that any married same-sex couple whom the child was born to after the date of marriage and while the couple lives together, are the presumed legal parents of the child and can be listed on the birth certificate. My name went on the “father” line of my daughter’s birth certificate. In 2019, our son was born, and my name was listed on the “Parent 2” line on his birth certificate. We are their equal parents.  

But this week, I held my son, clinging to my neck for safety, as I walked into the courthouse to yet again prove that I am his and his sister’s mom.  We fear what another Trump administration along with the rushed appointment of Justice Amy Coney Barrett could do to us and our community. We watched this administration strip transgender military members of their rights and take the LGBTQ webpage from their federal website. Same sex marriage is recognized federally, but same sex parentage is recognized per state law. There is no federal law or Supreme Court case that guarantees the right of same sex parentage. Luckily for me living in California, my parentage through marriage is protected. In many states, these protections are not in place. Our parentage would not be recognized if we travel or move to one of these states. Adoption is recognized by every state, regardless of marriage, thanks to the Full Faith and Credit Act of the US Constitution. The best way I can protect my parentage via California law is to file for “stepparent adoption”.  

I’m scared now. Our country is going backwards. The risk is suddenly too great if I don’t adopt my children now.  

President Trump, his conservative base and the newest Supreme Court Justice unapologetically seek to rescind our marriage and parental rights. We fear the day that this Supreme Court decides to hear a case on same-sex parentage on a federal level, as they could rule that my parentage is not valid as I did not birth my children.  

As I waited at the courthouse to file my paperwork, the clerk mentioned, “Wow, we have seen so many of these filed this week!” Ten minutes later, two other same-sex couples entered the line behind us. We all felt united, but sad we were meeting this way.

We have friends where one wife carried and birthed the biological child of her wife they conceived via IVF, and now the non-carrying mom is having to adopt her own biological child.

Thankfully, in California, “stepparent” confirmatory adoption only involves turning in about 20 pages of paperwork, including a description of how your child was conceived. In the majority of states, adopting your own child still requires social worker in-home visits, witness affidavits, and court appearances.  

The LGBTQ community is scared, and our fear is very real. According to the Family Equality Council and the UCLA Williams Institute reporting in 2016, there were approximately 200,000 children being raised by 114,000 same-sex couples in the US, that are now all at risk to be split apart by this administration.

While I seek to take formal legal steps to protect our family by adopting my own children, my hope is that this is all out of fear and doesn’t become a reality that I, and others in my situation, have to actually lean on.  

My hope is that voters choose to protect LGBTQ families like mine as they realize how far backwards and discriminatory our country has become in the past four years. And that, regardless of the conservative Supreme Court, we start to move forward again. Love makes a family. It’s time for the law to recognize that too.