A man of letters (with nasty dogs)

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The Independent Online
WRITE now for 365 effective business letters, each one guaranteed effective. Use them 'as is' or adapt them for your own purposes. Benefit from modern techniques of 'creating an impression' as a highly educated business whiz-kid - without undergoing the costly and expensive business of university education. A whole section is devoted to letters to your finances, useful for every phase of your ongoing relationship with bank managers, etc. For example:

Dear manager,

On account of a short-term problem manifesting itself as a cash deficiency in my account (*current) and being mindful of obligations to fulfil and complete certain transactions of a financial nature over the next month, I write to arrange with you if you are agreeable to proposals of this nature to ascertain whether you are able to grant a facility on my account (*current) of pounds 200. Thanking you in anticipation, Yours truly.

Dear manager,

Thanking you in arrears for your letter of the Xth instant and noting your decision to decline to grant the facility on my account (*current) to the extent of pounds 200, I return to the subject with a modified proposal which takes into account your reluctance to grant the said facility, and I hope you will find it acceptable to your business practices. I have a white Ford van that you can use as security for the new facility I now need, which is pounds 2,000. The van is indeed a security van and is used for business purposes. That is, it is used in connection with my security business wherein I drive up behind people who have offended my clients and release from the back of the security van two half-starved dogs from Epping Forest to take off the face of said people who have offended my clients. Pursuant to your acceptance of this van as security for the security by the facility in the sum of pounds 2,000, I shall be pleased to draw down the funds. Thanking you in anticipation.

Dear manager,

Thanking you in arrears for the letter of the Xth instant, wherein you draw to my attention that I have passed cheques which take my account (*current) to an 'in excess' situation with regarding to the agreed overdraft facility of pounds 2,000 and that you have declined payment on the offending cheque thereby causing embarrassment to me in my business dealings, which has an effect on my good trading name, I regret to say. Firstly, you say you have charged me pounds 20 for 'bouncing' the cheque and a further pounds 20 charge for writing me the notifying letter. While I realise your time is not cheap, I have to inform you that my time is similarly likewise and that I am accustomed to charging my time out at pounds 1,000 an hour, or pounds 750 an hour if there's nothing needing breaking. As a result, taking all things into consideration, my position is this. I suggest that the account be settled by increasing the overdraft facility on the same basis as before to pounds 20,000 and that you pay into my account the necessary charges that it has taken me to write this letter, which at my current rate of writing has taken me 45 minutes, call it an hour, what with looking for stamps. If you would like to enter into a correspondence on this on the same terms, I would be only too happy to oblige you. Alternatively, if you would prefer it if I came round for a personal discussion, that too would be all right with me, obviously. Thanking you in anticipation.

Dear manager of merchant bank,

As my security business has been doing well over this past year, I am looking to expand my activities. In order to raise the pounds 200,000 necessary to fit out the white Rolls-Royce van with rear-kennels and other dog-handling devices, such as spa-pool and picnic cabinets, I am approaching you with a request to examine my business plan more closely. I am hoping to conclude this deal this week, and would be obliged for an early response. It may be important for you to liaise in this matter with my bank manager. Thanking you.

Dear Ministry of Defence,

Looking as I am to raise pounds 2m to take my security business into the Middle East, I am writing to you for the money. I think you know what I mean. I enclose references from a merchant bank I own, and you should talk to my bank manager for the background. Thanking you.

Send now for the full course] It will change your life] If you don't, I mean. We know where you live]

Miles Kington is on holiday.

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