A nose by any other name ...

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The Independent Online
This column is pleased to be able to announce for sale a large quantity (in excess of 200,000) of plastic red noses, being left over unsold from the recent Comic Relief Day, also from previous Comic Relief Days and from previous attempts to sell red noses left over from previous Comic Relief Days ...

There being no obvious use for plastic red noses, this column is pleased today to bring you today a selection of new ideas for the re-use of the same plastic red noses, which will aid in some measure the sale and disposal of the said 20,000 red noses.

Plastic red noses are very useful in the following ways:

1. As a Christmas dressing-up aid, viz for Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer.

2. As trick tomato soup bowls that fall over when filled and cause hilarity.

3. For painting blue and putting on top of your ordinary saloon car in order to convert it into a reasonably convincing police squad car.

4. For glueing together in pairs to make footballs.

5. As begging bowls when visiting Third World countries or going down Oxford Street.

6. For tying under the tails of horses on ceremonial occasions to avoid unsightly manure being dropped in the street.

7. For cutting holes in and using as hand guards on old musketeer-type swords.

8. For artistically cutting up and using as a giant red poppy on the next Remembrance Day.

9. For ironing out and using as frisbees.

10. For use, in pairs, as fake breasts for pantomime dames or on jolly British occasions, such as when rugby-club players dress up as buxom women on charity gala nights.

11. As substitute warning cones behind your car in case of an accident, or simply to sprinkle out of the car on a motorway to add to the general joie de vivre.

12. To string along overhead telegraph wires to warn low-flying aircraft of the danger of bumping into plastic red noses strung along telegraph wires.

13. For use on the beach as easily spotted markers for high-tide mark, the place where you left your clothes while bathing, etc.

14. As an inflammable and/or meltable ashtray, for use in households in which smoking is disapproved of.

15. As a trombone mute.

16. For placing on outside walls as fake burglar alarms, TV dishes, etc.

17. For painting flesh colour and making into a bald wig for placing on top of head in hilarious attempt to imitate Clive James or Clive Anderson, and thus being able to visit foreign places in extreme comfort without even noticing you've been there.

18. As a protective item for batsmen in cricket.

19, To hang upside down and put flowers in.

20. As egg-cosies for ostrich eggs.

21. Pierced and used as a colander.

22. Placed in rows along tops of garden walls to discourage large humanoid eggs from sitting on top and then falling off, thus causing arrival of all king's horses, all king's men, etc.

23. Stuck with large nails and left bobbing in garden pond to simulate wartime mines.

24. Placed on top of tall upright stands as a suitable storing place for your wigs, berets, etc.

25. Used in local stream, river, etc, as boats in race to bet enormous sums of money on.

26. For sticking two knitting needles into and leaving on top of your television set, looking just like an indoor TV aerial so that when the picture goes fuzzy, unsuspecting visitors will move the "TV aerial" about in a vain attempt to improve the reception - hours of harmless laughter!

27. For sticking on wall as a hunting trophy and labelling "Escaping Baboon".

28. For putting in your apple tree for birds to build nests in, so that you can be featured in next year's programme in some item entitled "The Comic Relief nose that helped to relieve bird housing shortages in the Home Counties last year!", and if no bird builds a nest in it, well, at least some apples may fall into it.

28. As containers for amusingly large ice cubes or, rather, "globes", at parties.

29. To incorporate in your garden as amusingly bumpy and rather crimson crazy paving.

30. To use on huge public statues as realistic and authentic small pimples.

31. To throw as outsize confetti at the weddings of people you don't like ...

Well, that's just a very few uses for the Comic Relief red noses, which will be coming your way very soon. And all you have to do is send a blank cheque. Leave the rest to us!