Afore ye vote ... a wee Sassenach quiz

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Good morning, Scotland! This morning or afternoon, unless you have something better to do, you will be going along to a polling centre where you will be asked to answer the following two questions:

1. "The English don't like their inefficient and corrupt parliament very much, so they want you to suffer one as well. Are you going to stand for it?"


2. "Would you like to pay some extra Scottish taxes as well as all the normal English ones?"

Well, I think that sums up the great debate pretty well, but it seems a bit of fuss and bother for the sake of just two wee questions, so to give you value for money we have devised another set of questions for you to answer, maybe as you queue to vote, in our grand National Identity questionnaire entitled:

JUST HOW SCOTTISH ARE YOU, REALLY? To find out, just answer these questions:

1. When you hear someone say, "I blame the English," do you say, "For what?" or do you say, "Right enough - so do I!"?

2. Do you genuinely fear and mistrust the English?

3. Did you know that you, in turn, are feared and mistrusted by the Orcadians?

4. Do you feel insulted when you are abroad and people think you are English?

5. Do you feel insulted when you are abroad and people think you are Finnish?

6. Do you feel more insulted to be thought English or Finnish?

7. Do you have a funny Scottish accent?

8. Or do you have a normal way of speaking and your English friends a funny English accent?

9. Do you wear a kilt?

10. Do you possess a kilt but never wear it?

11. Would you rather be dead than caught wearing a kilt?

12. Would you only wear a kilt on the strict understanding that nobody else Scottish was present?

13. Like, at an English wedding in the far end of Cornwall, where you could be the token Scotsman in the kilt that always seems to turn up at these events?

14. Do you go all funny when you hear the sound of the pipes?

15. When you see a man in the street playing the pipes and wearing, not tartan, but jeans and a sweater, what is your reaction? a) He is not properly dressed; b) What does it matter how he is dressed as long as he plays well?; c) What a bloody racket.

16. When you hear a man with a name like Lord Fraser of Dundreary on the radio saying, in a Knightsbridge accent: "Well, look here, I am a Scot through and through ..." do you throw up or do you think, "Well, we need all the allies we can get"?

17. When England is playing Scotland, do you want the best side to win?

18. When England is playing Germany, who do you want to win?

19. Where is Belorussia?

20. What do you mean, it doesn't matter where it is as long as we stuffed them?

21. Do you think it is tragic that even when Scotland has a good football side, they still lose to England when it really matters?

22. Do you think it is tragic that even when England has a good football team, they still lose to Germany when it really matters?

23. Do you think it is wonderful that even when Germany has a good team, they still lose to Brazil?

24. Do you think it is tragic that Scots always remember their defeats better than their victories?

25. Do you go around saying that Scotland has the best educational and legal system in the world, even though you don't believe it?

26. Are you proud to belong to a nation which is told it has the worst diet in the world?

27. Do you think a nation which can't even improve the worst diet in the world can make a go of democracy?

28. Can you name another Scottish drink besides Irn-Bru and whisky?

29. Do you feel ashamed that the best-known prize at the Edinburgh Festival is named after a French fizzy drink?

30. And has never been won by a Scottish performer?

31. Or did Arnold Brown win it one year?

32. And if he did, why doesn't he have a Scottish name?

33. Do you feel offended that the English think that Shakespeare's only Scottish play is desperately unlucky?

34. Do you ...

Ah! We've come to the head of the queue. Time to vote. The answer to the quiz, by the way, is that if you answered the first question ("Just how Scottish are you, really?") with a phrase meaning something like "Mind your own bloody English business," then you are.