'Bill' Carling and other odd stories

Share
Related Topics
How good at you are taking in the news? How well-informed are you on current affairs? Would John Birt be proud of your ability to grasp world events? Well, here's a quick, fun way to find out! I have printed below seven news stories that may or may not have happened in the past week or so. All you have to do is read them and then decide which ones you think are the fake stories.

1. As it has become increasingly embarrassing for John Major or any cabinet minister to address the dwindling numbers of Scottish Conservatives - and indeed decreasingly cost-effective to do so - it has been decided from now on that whenever the Scottish Tory party gets together in large numbers (ie, over 10) for such gatherings, they will travel down to London to be addressed by the PM and other senior Tories, paying for the trip at their own expense.

2. It now emerges that the Will Carling sacking story was not at all what it seemed to be. According to one England three-quarter who can afford to remain anonymous, many of the England team were unhappy at Will Carling being selected for South Africa. This was partly because they were jealous of his earning so much more money than the rest of them, partly because they thought he wasn't such a great captain and player anyway, and partly because they were embarrassed at having to address a young man by a name like Will, which more properly belonged in the Twenties (like Will Hay) or in the days of Robin Hood (Will Scarlett, etc). So they sent a deputation to the RFU asking for Carling to be fired, and Dennis Easby took the first chance to do so, in deference to the players. Unfortunately, it backfired when the public outcry took Carling's side. Only Carling himself is unaware of what happened, and cannot understand why the players are calling him Bill.

3. A poll of Tory MPs showed that their casualty rate is now so high that more than 75 per cent of them feel that Tory MPs should be armed at all times. At least 50 per cent of them feel they should be armed personally by Jonathan Aitken MP.

4. The following exchange took place on the Today programme earlier this week.

Gerry Malone: "I cannot see how any industrial action by the nurses can fail to affect the patients. It is simply foolish to imagine that you can take industrial action as a nurse and not affect the patients. Anything that is not in the patients' best interests must be condemned."

Interviewer: "Well, if that were true, you might as well condemn the Tory party for everything they have done to give the patient a bad deal in the last 15 years. The industrial action proposed in desperation by the nurses is as nothing to the industrial action taken by the Tory government."

Malone: "Oh, come now ... My God, you're right. I hadn't thought of that. You're absolutely right. Yes, the damage done to the NHS by our continued ideological insistence on market forces and book-keeping has almost killed the old-fashioned urge to care and tend illness, which is what the NHS should be about. "You can't quantify care. Devotion to one's patients can't be measured by accountants. The nurses are absolutely right. My God, I had never seen the truth before.

"And to think we have compounded the mess by leaving Virginia Bottomley in charge, to continue her carnage of London hospitals! What can I say? I am devastated."

5. A poll of Japanese commuters showed that more than 75 per cent of them thought they should be armed and issued with gas masks.

6. Manchester United are proposing to cash in on their popularity by issuing no less than three new playing strips before the end of the season:

a) a special Cup Final strip, showing the twin Wembley towers on the chest in suggestive positions;

b) a special non-League Champions strip in mourning black to celebrate their failure to clinch the title in 1995;

c) a special Eric Cantona kung-fu fighting kit, with the slogan on the shirt in large letters - "Cantona te casse le bras!" (Cantona breaks your arm!).

7. A Tiverton man who was operated on for a kidney ailment at Plymouth Hospital is suing the hospital for damages, although the operation was a complete success, on the grounds that the speed of treatment caused him undue stress. He says that the hospital gave him a bed as soon as the operation was deemed necessary, did not postpone the operation and had him home in two days. As everything he knew about the NHS led him to expect a postponement of at least a year and he thought he would come home with a needle or two inside him, it has completely disrupted his life.

Answer: There is no such person as Jerry Wiggins MP, who has been maliciously invented by the Labour Party PR Department.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Ashdown Group: Finance Manager - Covent Garden, central London - £45k - £55k

£45000 - £55000 per annum + 30 days holiday: Ashdown Group: Finance Manager - ...

Ashdown Group: Systems Administrator - Lancashire - £30,000

£28000 - £30000 per annum: Ashdown Group: 3rd Line Support Engineer / Network ...

Recruitment Genius: Graduate Web Developer

£26000 - £33000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Web Developer is required to ...

Ashdown Group: PeopleSoft Developer - London - £45k

£45000 per annum: Ashdown Group: PeopleSoft Application Support & Development ...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Isis in Iraq: Even if Iraqi troops take back Saddam’s city of Tikrit they will face bombs and booby traps

Patrick Cockburn
The Royal Mint Engraver Jody Clark with his new coinage portrait, alongside the four previous incarnations  

Queen's new coin portrait: Second-rate sculpture makes her look characterless

Michael Glover
The difference between America and Israel? There isn’t one

The difference between America and Israel? There isn’t one

Netanyahu knows he can get away with anything in America, says Robert Fisk
Families clubbing together to build their own affordable accommodation

Do It Yourself approach to securing a new house

Community land trusts marking a new trend for taking the initiative away from developers
Head of WWF UK: We didn’t send Cameron to the Arctic to see green ideas freeze

David Nussbaum: We didn’t send Cameron to the Arctic to see green ideas freeze

The head of WWF UK remains sanguine despite the Government’s failure to live up to its pledges on the environment
Author Kazuo Ishiguro on being inspired by shoot-outs and samurai

Author Kazuo Ishiguro on being inspired by shoot-outs and samurai

Set in a mythologised 5th-century Britain, ‘The Buried Giant’ is a strange beast
With money, corruption and drugs, this monk fears Buddhism in Thailand is a ‘poisoned fruit’

Money, corruption and drugs

The monk who fears Buddhism in Thailand is a ‘poisoned fruit’
America's first slavery museum established at Django Unchained plantation - 150 years after slavery outlawed

150 years after it was outlawed...

... America's first slavery museum is established in Louisiana
Kelly Clarkson: How I snubbed Simon Cowell and become a Grammy-winning superstar

Kelly Clarkson: How I snubbed Simon Cowell and become a Grammy-winning superstar

The first 'American Idol' winner on how she manages to remain her own woman – Jane Austen fascination and all
Tony Oursler on exploring our uneasy relationship with technology with his new show

You won't believe your eyes

Tony Oursler's new show explores our uneasy relationship with technology. He's one of a growing number of artists with that preoccupation
Ian Herbert: Peter Moores must go. He should never have been brought back to fail again

Moores must go. He should never have been brought back to fail again

The England coach leaves players to find solutions - which makes you wonder where he adds value, says Ian Herbert
War with Isis: Fears that the looming battle for Mosul will unleash 'a million refugees'

The battle for Mosul will unleash 'a million refugees'

Aid agencies prepare for vast exodus following planned Iraqi offensive against the Isis-held city, reports Patrick Cockburn
Yvette Cooper: We can't lose the election. There's too much on the line

Yvette Cooper: We can't lose the election. There's too much on the line

The shadow Home Secretary on fighting radical Islam, protecting children, and why anyone in Labour who's thinking beyond May must 'sort themselves out'
A bad week for the Greens: Leader Natalie Bennett's 'car crash' radio interview is followed by Brighton council's failure to set a budget due to infighting

It's not easy being Green

After a bad week in which its leader had a public meltdown and its only city council couldn't agree on a budget vote, what next for the alternative party? It's over to Caroline Lucas to find out
Gorillas nearly missed: BBC producers didn't want to broadcast Sir David Attenborough's famed Rwandan encounter

Gorillas nearly missed

BBC producers didn't want to broadcast Sir David Attenborough's famed Rwandan encounter
Downton Abbey effect sees impoverished Italian nobles inspired to open their doors to paying guests for up to €650 a night

The Downton Abbey effect

Impoverished Italian nobles are opening their doors to paying guests, inspired by the TV drama
China's wild panda numbers have increased by 17% since 2003, new census reveals

China's wild panda numbers on the up

New census reveals 17% since 2003