Captain Moonlight

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The Independent Online
BBRRRINNNGGG] It's that telephone again] A charming woman wishes to tell me about the French chateau where she has recently holidayed. I express polite interest. It is the one in Burgundy owned by Sir Nicholas Lyell, the Attorney General, she says; the one these straitened times, nobody's fault, world recession, trouble at Lloyd's, have forced him to rent out, pounds 150 per person for nine days, very reasonable. Decor? Ikea Quatorze, she says. Any problems? Vegetable garden needs a seeing to, roses have got dreadful greenfly, only one en suite bathroom, plumbing a bit primitive, ferocious loo called a 'gobbler' covered with dire warnings and disclaimers obviously drafted by the Attorney. Bounce on tennis court uneven. Final memo to AG: there is now a friendly hedgehog who eats only cornflakes and milk.

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