BRRRINNGG] It is my red telephone, the special one, whose number is divulged only to my highest placed and most confidential sources. On the other end is my impeccable White House source, codenamed 'Taylforth'. 'Is that the Captain?' he asks. I agree that it is and push the scrambler button. 'Listen,' says Taylforth. 'Do you want to know the real reason for the Adams propaganda fiasco? It's because the President and your Mr Major don't talk any more. Your Mr Major keeps telephoning and we have to think of different excuses why the President can't come to the phone. It's not like that with Helmut Kohl. Helmut and the President are big buddies, believe me. They talk about food, a great shared interest. But your Mr Major] Do you know that he rang over the New Year holiday? So he was asked what he wanted, and he said he wanted to wish the President a Happy New Year. Can you believe this guy? The plain, unadorned truth, Captain, is that the President finds him really boring and just doesn't want to talk to him.' An extraordinary suggestion, you'll agree, but Taylforth has always been right up till now.