Captain Moonlight: Christmas trees

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CAPTAIN Moonlight's Christmas Service today turns its wavering beam on to Christmas trees. Very variable in price, I find. At B & Q you can get a 7ft tree for pounds 6.99. In Chelsea, pounds 22.95 appears to be the norm. In Brixton, they saw the Captain coming: pounds 25. The charming south London ar borist blamed the Germans. He said that demand was terribly high because former East Germans were now celebrating Christmas with tremendous gusto and snapping up every available tree. Do you remember all those doomy warnings about the dangers of German unification? So do I, but I never thought it would come to Christmas trees. Deck chairs are bad enough. Gott segne uns alle, as Tiny Tim might have said, had things turned out differently.

Meanwhile, I have news of a lively Nativity play in which the Captain's nephew caused chaos by his adamant refusal to comply with the teacher's suggestion that a greater degree of verisimilitude might be brought to the role of one of the three kings if he took his socks off. Then one of the Roman soldiers threw up.

This was in Lancashire, famous for the Nativity play where the third king, having watched the dignified presentation to the Infant of gold and myrrh, rushed forward and thrust his gift into Mary's hands with the helpful cry, 'Frank sent this'.