Captain Moonlight: In my book, it's a rather racy romp, Edwina

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The Independent Online
THE CAPTAIN is always pleased to see a new author making it big, so you can imagine my happiness when I read that Edwina Currie's gripping effort, A Parliamentary Affair, has already been snapped up for one of those mini-series things. It's all about this extremely attractive, highly capable, properly ambitious, sometimes misunderstood woman MP with 'glossy dark hair'.

Racy, the style. Navels are like 'extinct volcanoes', winks are 'roguish', tongues ''slide' into ears, fingers 'stray wistfully' over abdomens and throats emit 'strangled noises'. There is even some activity of the alleged A1 lay-by kind. The Captain was particularly taken by the liberal use of scent. On an assignation with Roger (naturally), a minister (naturally), Mrs Currie's heroine, Elaine, splashes it between her breasts, below her navel, and on the soles of her feet.

Blimey. This piece of abandon is a new one on Moonlight. But I have led a sheltered life. So I consulted across the gamut of female experience, with Marcelle D'Argy Smith, editor of Cosmopolitan, the market leader in writing about this kind of thing, and with a Mrs C Payne, of Streatham, who has a great deal of hands-on experience. Neither had heard of the practice. Mrs Payne thought it a good idea ('all those smelly feet') but Ms D'Argy Smith was not so sanguine, wondering about the combination of feet, Obsession or some such, and those deodorant pads you put in your shoes. I think I'll pass. She suggested that I should try the Duchess of York, but I'm not quite sure what she meant.

All the best to Edwina, though. This is a woman who has always had her priorities sorted out. Some time ago, one of the Captain's acquaintances approached her for an interview on behalf of Good Housekeeping. In the course of the letter, my friend mentioned that her family and Edwina's were old friends and passed on good wishes. Edwina's agent rang back to say Edwina would be delighted to meet her over lunch at the Commons. And, oh, the fee would be pounds 2,000.