Here is the second half of the check-list. Good luck! Just remember every evening to check if anything on the list has happened today. They don't have to happen in this order, any order will do. Good luck!
q You are in town one day when an ambulance passes very slowly, playing a highly distorted siren noise you have never heard before.
q To your horror, you suddenly register that it is not an ambulance at all.
q It is a municipal van that is playing highly distorted carolrecordings.
q A tall, dark man calls at your door. He says: "Happy Christmas, squire. It's the dustmen."
q You say: "What's the dustmen?"
q He says: "We're the binmen, sir, come to wish you the compliments of the season and see if you want anything done ..."
q You suddenly realise that he has an outstretched hand and you realise what he wants, so you stuff a tenner in it and he goes away smiling and waving.
q Your partner says: "Did you keep the Guardian Christmas quiz in yesterday's paper?"
q You say: "Look, we have kept that quiz every year for 10 years, and the only time we ever tried it we couldn't answer a single bloody question!"
q Your partner says: "Did you remember to take the lawn mower in for servicing?"
q You say: "Plenty of time, plenty of time. Three months till spring."
q She says: "So you didn't take advantage of that 50 per cent discount offer voucher I got you from the garden servicing place?"
q But you know better than to answer trick questions like that.
q What you have to do is ask trick questions of your own.
q Like: "Did you remember to order the turkey?"
q At which point she asks a trick question, like: "Have you tested the Christmas tree lights to make sure they're working? We don't want a repetition of last year."
q The postman brings a parcel, a large one from Canada.
q Delighted at this distraction, you open it and find it contains three nightdresses.
q You say: "What the ...?"
q Your partner says: "God, you never learn, do you? You never open people's Christmas presents before Christmas!"
q You say: "Well, how was I to know it was a present ...?"
q She says: "Have you ever stopped to wonder why big parcels from in- laws in Canada only arrive just before Christmas and birthdays?"
q There is a loud knock at the door.
q Delighted by this distraction, you open it and find yourself facing a tall, thin man who says: "Compliments of the season, sir, it's the dustmen."
q "Hold on," you say, "you lot came last week!"
q "I'm afraid to say, sir," he says, "there's a ruthless gang of fake dustmen going round pretending to be us and getting all our Christmas boxes."
q Heartstricken, you give him a tenner.
q Later, you discover that it was the first lot, last week, who were actually genuine.
q Your partner asks another trick question: "Have you booked for the pantomime yet?"
q Smugly, you say: "Yes, last week, actually."
q It will not be until Boxing Day that you discover you have booked six seats for the wrong panto.
q You have booked for the local glitzy one with six minor TV performers, lots of identical songs and a terrible script.
q She wanted you to buy tickets for the arty, traditional one in the next town.
q Oh, dear.
q You buy a new pocket diary.
q It is not until you get it home that you realise you have picked up, in error, the Schoolgirls Pocket Diary.
q There is a knock at your door. It is a party of shepherds. They say: "Compliments of the season, sir, we're shepherds and ..."
q Furiously, you drive them off, saying: "I know your game, you con artists! You won't get a penny out of me!"
q A day or two later, an angel knocks at the door and starts saying: "Blessed art thou, Mary, for thou shalt bring forth a son and his name ..."
q You tell the angel to get stuffed.
q When you tell your partner about the shepherds and the angel, she looks thoughtful and says: "It's none of my business, but if three wise men knock at the door in the near future, I should be very nice to them ..."
Tomorrow: what to do if a man from King Herod comes to the door and asks about young babies in the neighbourhood.Reuse content