It's 3pm and I'm contorted into a pretzel-like position, feeling the sweat slide down my back as I move one step closer to nirvana in my yoga class. Ironically, I decamped to my local studio to find inner peace and escape rampant sexual thoughts. Because unfortunately, despite telling me that he was "crazy about me" and that we had a "connection", my Cannes crush, Liam, still has a girlfriend.
I knew that the texts begging me to meet him for "lunch" were code for "afternoon delight", and I had to get him off my mind. It didn't work. Maybe I just have a dirty mind, but being packed into a room full of fit, half-naked men and women made me hornier than ever. Although I went in with the intention of quieting my mind, I've always found that yoga gives my sexual core muscles a serious workout.
In class, we access the Mula Bandha, or "root lock," which for women is the equivalent of doing loads of Kegel exercises while breathing deeply.
During my fourth class, I sat beside a handsome, blue-eyed Adonis called Brian. He helped me do a headstand for the first time (though I did fall over!), and after class we grabbed a glass of herbal tea.
I told Brian that I'd read this week that Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O'Connor's exorcist said that activities such as yoga and massage therapy could put people at risk from evil spirits – and that people with promiscuous lifestyles could find themselves afflicted by demons.
"Well, yoga and sexual energy are definitely connected," he said, which somehow led into a conversation about how he's into Tantric sex.
I had to confess I found Tantric sex annoying.
He laughed. "Why is that?"
"Well, I don't have anything against the idea of staring into my significant other's eyes for hours, but as a girl who's into her multi-tasking, I wonder who has that kind of time? I'd rather have great sex, then a mind-blowing orgasm, and put on Newsnight. Is that unromantic?"
"But can't you see the beauty of synchronising the breath without touching?"
"Of course," I said, smiling, while really thinking, give me the "69" position any day of the week.
At that moment my phone vibrated, and I saw Liam's text: "Am sitting at restaurant with X. Can't stop thinking about you. Am definitely going to end things tonight."
At that moment, despite my attraction to him, I decided to avoid bad karma by stepping away from Liam and towards a four-armed Hindu deity.
More time in class will be good for me, and for the next man in my life. I'll be a calmer, less anxious partner. Besides, the stronger my pelvic floor muscles, the better my orgasms – and his. Maybe temporary frustration is the way to enlightenment after all.Reuse content