Claudia Winkleman: Take It From Me

'You married me because I made you a sandwich? You would have proposed to another girl if she'd made a tuna on rye?'
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The Independent Online

Last Night

Husband: All you need to say is this – Stardust is opening this Friday.

Me: But I want to say it's great.

Husband: You can't.

Me: Au contraire. They let me write about whatever I want these days...

Husband: That's not what I mean. Are you going to make pitta pockets, babe?

Me: It's weird that that's your favourite thing. That a week of celebration about your film coming out basically comes down to a TV snack.

Husband: I love pitta pockets.

Me: Can't I just remind everyone what's in it?

Husband: Cheddar? I think they can work it out sweetheart.

Me: No, I mean the film.

Husband: I'm sure people could go off piste and try it with mozzarella.

Me: You know, Robert De Niro, Michelle Pfeiffer...

Husband: Only a maverick would make it with Boursin.

Me: You need to focus.

Husband: Thing is, I'm not sure they would be good with anything other than a big hunk of Cathedral City.

Me: Darling?

Husband: You don't want to make the pockets? You're knackered? You're a working mother with a lot on her plate? What did I do wrong? Shall we go out for dinner?

Me: Your film.

Husband: It's not actually mine.

Me: Let's not get bogged down with the little details.

Husband: Do you remember when we first met?

Me: Um.

Husband: I'll be honest. I'd been with a lot of girls...

Me: If this isn't going somewhere good I'm not mentioning the film.

Husband: But none of them...

Me: Be careful. They were all filthy. So if I do something they didn't I'm in trouble.

Husband: Why do you think everything comes down to sex?

Me: Because it does.

Husband: Not in this instance.

Me: Look, we're scrambling around, and all we should be talking about is the film that's coming out on Friday.

Husband: Marriage. Love. Parenting. It can't all be about sex, Babe.

Me: Sometimes I think we don't listen to each other anymore.

Husband: I was making a point.

Me: Your point is that you've had 900 girlfriends and I did something different to them?

Husband: You cooked pitta pockets.

Me: YOU MARRIED ME BECAUSE I MADE YOU A SANDWICH?

Husband: OK, that came out wrong.

Me: Let me be clear – you would have proposed to any of those girls if just one of them had made you a tuna on rye?

Husband: I'm not big on rye bread.

Me: You didn't marry me because of my brain, or my heart or, heaven forbid, even my looks?

Husband: It was the care. That's all I'm saying. It blew my mind.

Me: Men are weird.

Husband: I'll never forget it. The Simpsons was on, you were wearing a T-shirt and jeans, and you came out of the kitchen with this plate of, I mean, delicious steaming parcels full of melted cheese.

Me: I'm not being funny.

Husband: Oh, and you were funny.

Me: Look at me.

Husband: Is this about your fringe again?

Me: Tell me what I can write about your movie.

Husband: Absolutely nothing. Just the release date...

Me: 19 October.

Husband: That's great.

Me: That's it?

Husband: Write about something else this week.

Me: Like what?

Husband: Ur, Britney?

Me: Like I've got anything interesting to add to the mix.

Husband:OK. What about the rugby?

Me: Have you met me?

Husband: Ah. Good topic. What about Al Gore and his Nobel Peace Prize?

Me: That's old news.

Husband: Don't say you don't want to write about Prince William and Kate Middleton...

Me: I'll wait till they're engaged.

Husband: You're being quite stubborn.

Me: Look, this is my version of making pitta pockets.

Husband: Why make a version? All I want is the real thing.

Me: I'm trying to look after you. It's important people know how good this movie is.

Husband: 19 October – that's enough.

Me: I'll rant.

Husband: Dear God.

Me: You're thinking you should have married one of other girls now, right?

Husband: They weren't as bossy.

Me: Stardust is a brilliant roller-coaster of a film. If you liked The Princess Bride and Pirates of the Caribbean (only the first one obviously) then you'll love this movie. Clare Danes is angelic and brilliant, Robert De Niro is fantastic, Michelle Pfieffer is a magnificent thousand-year-old witch, Sienna Miller plays a naughty snob and Ricky Gervais performs a hilarious cameo. Do nothing this weekend but go and see Stardust.

Husband: All I wanted was a sandwich.

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