Claudia Winkleman: Take It From Me

'Is that a real question? Is it bad?'<br/>'It's up there with talking about my periods and your prowess in bed'
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The Independent Online

Husband: Wow.

Me: Hey babe. What do you mean? Wow?

Husband: Just. What I said. Wow.

Me: And you're referring to?

Husband: I'm not even going there.

Me: Um. Alrighty then.

Husband: Well, I would. But I know it would end in tears.

Me: Okay. Stop being weird. Just tell me. What was the "wow" about?

Husband: Thing is, if we discuss it, you'll write about it.

Me: No I won't.

Husband: Promise? Cross your heart and hope to die? Really, Claud. I mean it. I can't have the people at the office take the piss out of me again. Plus everyone calls me and laughs and I just can't take it. It makes me feel, you know, stupid.

Me: Oh my God. This is the longest conversation we've ever had. You're doing my head in. Can we go back to whatever you were going to say...

Husband: I thought you liked chatting.

Me: This isn't chatting. This is moronic.

Husband: I kind of like it when you get wound-up.

Me: You think this is sexy? You irritating me? This is romantic in your world?

Husband: It's banter.

Me: This, just so we're clear, isn't banter. It's not clever enough to be banter.

Husband: Neville Chamberlain.

Me: Excuse me?

Husband: Just took the banter up a level. Threw in some history. Bet you like that, don't you?

Me: Are you trying to make me have an affair?

Husband: Could it be with a Swedish girl?

Me: I'm taking my make-up off.

Husband: Who wears bunches?

Me: And then I'm going to kill you.

Husband: OK. OK. Come back. But don't write about it.

Me: I think I've chewed my fingers off so there's no more writing.

Husband: So, the "wow".

Me: Exactly. I walked into the room and you sat bolt upright and said "wow".

Husband: Right. Well, it was a shock.

Me: Me walking into the room? I live here you know.

Husband: No. Your. Um. Oh God. Here we go again.

Me: Seriously, you can tell me.

Husband: No. Sorry. I know I'm being slow. Your hair. Goddamit. Your hair. I know we talked about the fringe, and thing is, you look like a...

Me: I must be dreaming.

Husband: Claud, don't overreact.

Me: Really. Tell me. Am I being punished in some way? Did I make you a terrible supper? Do I pinch you while you're sleeping? What did I do?

Husband: Is it really so bad? To talk about your hair with your husband?

Me: Is that a real question? Are you fucking kidding me? Is it bad? It's up there with talking about my periods and us talking about your prowess in bed. With your mother.

Husband: Jeez. Bad.

Me: It's just weird is what it is. But hey, now we're on the topic, what do you think of my hair?

Husband: Well, it's certainly new.

Me: It's not a wig, if that's what you're getting at.

Husband: Great. There's an upside.

Me: You know you're a man, right? And you realise you don't make a living from selling hair conditioner?

Husband: Are you trying to make me feel small?

Me: I'm just making absolutely sure you know that there isn't a salon somewhere with your name on it.

Husband: We can't talk about your hair. It's fine. Let's pretend it never happened. Let's go to sleep.

Me: No way, Charles Worthington. If you've got something to say – spit it out.

Husband: Are you trying to look like you starred in Dallas?

Me: I think I'm going to be sick.

Husband: Oh God. Are you pregnant?

Me: No. Worse. My husband has an opinion about my hair.

Husband: Not just me.

Me: Come again?

Husband: There were texts.

Me: Texts.

Husband: People are worried you're taking this growing-out-your-fringe and playing with curlers thing a little too far. Like, you're not Barbie. You're 35.

Me: We can't have sex again.

Husband: You are pregnant.

Me: I think I need to breathe into a brown paper bag.

Husband: Wow.

Me: You said that already.

Husband: Listen, I'm sure you know what you're doing.

Me: Just breathe and focus.

Husband: It's just that it's sort of extra curly.

Me: One. Two. Three. And exhale. One. Two. Three...

Husband: And I'm not sure you need those sparkly combs.

Me: I am at one with the world. I am peaceful...

Husband: You might want to think about just letting it dry naturally. That's all I'm saying.

Me: Nam Myoho Renge Kyo...

Husband: Claud...

Me: Yes.

Husband: You're going to turn this into a column aren't you?

Me: Definitely.

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