Claudia Winkleman: Take It From Me

'One man on the phone for 20 hours is not the longest phone call ever. Here are some lengthier examples...'
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The Independent Online

So, a Cornish bloke called Tony has set a new world record for the longest phone call. Um. Excuse me? Really? I don't think so, mate. Sure, you got a bloke from that Guinness book to stand in your front room and tap a stopwatch – but longest phone call in history? You might want to rethink that claim, sweet pea.

Now, I don't like to be competitive (but that game of hearts with Lucy and Ray? I WON. The card was NOT, I repeat NOT up my sleeve) but Tony Wright on the phone for 20 hours is not the longest phone call ever. Here are just some examples of lengthier conversations...

16 June 1989 – Lucy Loses her Virginity (excerpt)

Lucy: Thing is, I can't be sure...

Me: Um. If you don't know. Like, know, then I think maybe it didn't happen?

Lucy: He says we did it.

Me: How did it feel?

Lucy: Sweaty. And quick.

Me: Did he make any noises?

Lucy: He panted like a dog. You know, in summer. Who's just run for a while and then jumped into a fountain and then gone and thumped its leg on a pathway.

Me: Oh my God.

Lucy: I know.

Me: Gross.

Lucy: Do you think he'll tell everyone?

Me: God, I hope so.

Lucy: Yeah, otherwise there's no point.

Me: It was getting embarrassing.

Lucy: I gave him my virginity bracelet.

Me: Did he like it?

Lucy: He grunted.

Me: Again?

Lucy: Shit. Mum's here. I'm putting the phone under the bed. Stay there, OK?

(A while later)

Lucy: Hsssss. You there?

Me: Yup. Pretending to do homework.

Lucy: Do you think he broke my hymen?

Me: Maybe you broke it already. When you went horse-riding at Easter?

Lucy: Guess so. So, if that's it. Sex. Then I'm going to do it about once a year.

Me: Me too.

Lucy: Did I tell you he licked the inside of my ear...

24 October 1993 – Lucy Falls in Love (excerpt)

Lucy: I want him to ENGULF me.

Me: Engulf? Wasn't he a Smurf?

Lucy: Be serious. I need him more than anything else in the whole world.

Me: Luce. I love you and all that. But you've been out with him five times.

Lucy: You don't know how good he is.

Me: At maths?

Lucy: Yes. That's right. I want to spend the rest of my life with this guy. Because he understands vectors.

Me: You may joke, but a man who knows all about Pythagoras is quite attractive.

Lucy: Not good at that. The other thing.

Me: Spelling?

Lucy: I hate you.

Me: OK. OK. But you did it by the bins.

Lucy: My face is still sore.

Me: Anything by the bins has got to be good.

Lucy: So, do you think he's going to ask me to marry him?

Me: Seriously?

Lucy: Don't be mean. I think he loves me.

Me: Has he told you that he loves you?

Lucy: He says he loves my breasts.

Me: I see.

Lucy: He's named them.

Me: Mayday. Mayday...

Lucy: No, actually. Mabel and Mary.

Me: Sweet Jesus.

Lucy: And his willy has got a name, too.

Me: If he does ask you, you're going to say no, right?

Lucy: I worship him. I adore him.

Me: It's the bins. It's the chaffing.

Lucy: He's the love of my life.

19 January 1998 – Lucy's boyfriend asks her to marry him. Sort of (excerpt)

Lucy: I think it was because he was having an orgasm.

Me: Bollocks.

Lucy: He's said stuff like that before.

Me: Like "marry me"?

Lucy: He once shouted out "MOTHER!"

Me: Oh God.

Lucy: So, do you think it's a proposal?

Me: How was he this morning?

Lucy: Hungry.

Me: Did he cuddle you while he slept?

Lucy: Sort of. He kind of leans on me.

Me: That's romantic.

Lucy: I've been with him for ever.

Me: So you think he's definitely asking?

Lucy: We need to analyse this...

12 March 2004 – Three hours after Lucy gives birth (excerpt)

Lucy: Oh God.

Me: I know.

Lucy: I mean. SHIT.

Me: I know.

Lucy: He's...

Me: The best thing you've ever done?

Lucy: He's the best thing I've ever done.

Me: Tell me all about him.

Lucy: I need to start with his toes. He has an especially sweet second toe.

Me: That's the one that has roast beef.

Lucy: Or goes to market? I better learn that stuff. Have I told you about his eyelids? They're perfect. Like little blinds.

Me: Sweet.

Lucy: Can I describe how he smells?

Me: Definitely.

Lucy: Like heaven. Like a bit of grass mixed in with honey. I mean, it's amazing. He's asleep on my tummy right now.

Me: How's his mouth?

Lucy: Oh my God. His mouth...

Me: I need to know about that... and his nose, and his little hands, and we haven't even started on his little knees....

These are just some of the chats, Tony. So yes, you might have had quite a long chat about cars, or how you really like your new lawnmower. You might even have your name in Guinness World Records. But the longest phone call in history? Don't be silly. You're not a girl...