Cooper Brown: Death threats

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The Independent Online

I received a death threat today. I’ve often suspected that the powers that be at this wonderful newspaper might be holding back some ofmy mail as I get very little. It turns out that their policy is not to pass on everything but they have little option with this one as it has become a police matter.

The letter, as is the trend with death threats, is written by someone with only the very basic knowledge of English grammar. My favourite part reads “teribl thing will happn to you when you don’t know its coming. I am watching you all the time and you are never safe…”The police interviewed me at length and asked me if I had any known enemies? As I pride myself on rubbing people up the wrong way, it was quite an extensive list.

The detective asked me whether there was one person in particular who might be a suspect in my eyes? I told them about the lesbian sticker lady. She has been slapping offensive stickers all over my car for five years now and I have complained endlessly to the police with no action being taken. The detective asked me what her “beef” was with me?I replied that I had absolutely no idea.

I know she often refers to the fact that I’m bald and American but she also seems to resent my being male as well so it’s tricky to narrow down her particular concern. I suggest to the police that I park the car in a particular place and we set up a stakeout. They tell me that I have been watching too many movies and that this constitutes entrapment… isn’t that the point? Cooper Out.

Twitter- @icooperbrown

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