Cooper Brown: He's Out There

'Suddenly, Hugo smashes a pint glass over his head – he's a real ice-breaker in awkward moments'
Click to follow

It was a total surprise ... something quite hard to pull on the old Coopster. I'm kicking back in the Cooperdome when the doorbell rings. I amble over to the door to find Ben in a state of some excitement. He says that there is something wrong with Victoria, she's in hospital and I have to come with him right now. I go downstairs with him and we get into his Bentley and burn off.

He's being a bit weird about everything and won't tell me any details and I'm starting to get a bit pissed with him. I notice that we're heading out of London and ask him what the hell is going on? He tells me to shut the fuck up and I am forced to until we pull up at Heathrow and I spot the whole gang waiting for me with a banner reading "Say Goodbye To The Good Life Coops." Good old Ben has organised a secret stag. I check with him that Victoria is not actually in hospital. She isn't ... it was a trick. He laughs like a hyena. So Ben.

We check in and I'm not supposed to look at where we are going but I'm not an idiot and quickly spot that we're off to Prague. I'm a bit disappointed as I was kind of hoping to go to Moscow (where everything is available at a price), but I put my trust in Ben – rightly so, as it turns out. Everyone is here – Ben, Hugo, Toby, a couple of guys from my production company, and an assortment of Electric drinking buddies. We start drinking on the plane and one of the party – a guy called Malik who does something in photography, barfs all over a businessman and then semi-molests a stewardess. He is arrested when we land and we never see him again. (I presume he is out and back in London but it's not really my problem.)

We all think this is hilarious and a good omen for the trip. I want to know what the plan is, but Ben tells me to shut up and stop being a control freak. He is in charge and I have to lump it. We arrive in downtown Prague in a hired mini-van. It's a seriously beautiful city and we check into a hotel right by the Charles Bridge – the centrepiece of the place – and I get a suite overlooking it. I am a very happy bunny.

We start off in an American expat bar where we down about five lethal cocktails called "Mudderfuckers" and Ben hands everyone their own portion of Pablo. God knows how he's got it through the airport as there was an industrial amount of the stuff. I suddenly have an idea of how he did it and wish I hadn't given it any thought ... We meet up with a hen party from Birmingham – they are totally up for a good time and it's not like we're picky ... We all wander off across the bridge into the Old Town and end up in a basement cellar-type bar with big stone pillars and huge glasses of beer.

Ben has his Pablo out on the table and offers some to one of the hen party. She sneezes and the stuff goes flying everywhere and Ben goes mental. He starts shouting at this chick, calling her a "fat northern fuckwit".

This really pisses off the rest of the hen party who round on Ben like some pack of dogs. The whole thing gets a bit out of hand, with everybody shouting. Suddenly, Hugo smashes a pint glass over his head, for no particular reason. Everyone stops and stares as blood pours down his face. Good old Hugo – he's a real ice-breaker in awkward social moments. Some of the hen party want to take him to hospital but he won't hear of it. We get some Scotch Tape from the manager and he sticks a couple of paper towels to his head. He looks hilarious and a little bit frightening. Ben then finds this flyer for a naked car wash. He becomes obsessed with the idea, so we ditch the hens and all troop back over the bridge and get into our mini-van.

Hugo decides that he wants to drive, even though he looks like he's already been in a huge car accident. After rattling around the cobbled streets for ages we find the place – a huge arch leading down into this underground garage. We pay the guy at the door a hundred bucks and drive in. What happens next is totally surreal. Six hot (and I mean hot) naked chicks appear out of a door and start lathering up the mini-van. They then start to wipe the thing with their breasts. There's two of them, legs akimbo on the windscreen and I think that Toby is going to have a heart attack. If I'm honest, they don't do that great a job on the car cleaning front but ... who cares? If this took off in the UK it would make a fortune.

The heat in the mini-van gets quite ferocious so we get out and someone makes a grab for a chick while Ben gets a hose and starts spraying everyone. Suddenly, these three thugs appear and all hell breaks loose – there's quite a big fight, mainly involving most of us trying to avoid getting pummelled.

Toby gets hit in the face but we all manage to get back into the mini-van and make our escape. We finish off in a place called Bunkr – a nightclub that used to be the commie chief's headquarters. AMAZING scenes ... And that was just the first night – we're out again tonight for the "big one". Wish me luck. Cooper Out.