Cooper Brown: It turns out that my name is on some "terror" list

He's Out There: 'Victoria is British so they can't kick her out – and where would they send her to, the Republic of Prada?'

Something weird is going on – yesterday I received a letter from some asshole in the immigration department telling me that my UK visa was being "withdrawn with immediate effect". The letter goes on to say that "certain information has come to light that makes it no longer desirable for you to remain in the United Kingdom". I go mental and get Mr Himmler's lawyer to contact the guy. It turns out that my name is on some "terror" list and has just been flagged up to "red level", which means deportation, voluntary or otherwise. I have three weeks to leave the country of my own free will or I will be arrested and forcibly removed. The guy is unable to say anything else as it is "classified". There is clearly some huge mistake, but it just shows that Obama's "people" are already in charge of things and the whole system is starting to crack at the seams. I'm presuming that there is someone else bearing the proud name of Cooper Brown who has got into some trouble somewhere and it's trickled down to me. Nobody seems to care that I'm now a fully paid-up member of the aristocracy. It seems that marrying an English chick is not enough to stop me being kicked out.

I call a war conference in the Electric. Everyone is there – Ben, Victoria, Hugo and an assortment of people that they think could help. Ben has brought this high-powered lawyer friend, who tells me that there is no way that they can kick me out when people like the hook-armed preacher lounge around in prison eating caviar and watching Jeremy Kyle. This guy gets really indignant and says that we'll take my case to the European Court of Human Rights. We all cheer at this and then Pablo arrives and we get a little distracted but the point is made – I'm drawing a line in the sand and will fight. I expect The Independent to get right behind me. I know I can count on your support, dear readers – maybe a little petition or something would be the way to go?

I ring my Mom to tell her what's going down. She reacts weirdly and says that she's convinced that it's all her fault. I tell her that, as far as I know, there is no law against being a fat, dumb hippie so she needn't start a guilt trip on my account. She doesn't react like she normally does, which is weird. She is silent for a while and then tells me about her new "boyfriend" (at what age does that term start being ridiculous?), "Hakim". This guy is from Syria and she met him at some Peace in Iraq demonstration in Monterey. It's got pretty serious, as they have been together for three months, which is a record for Mom. Anyways, this guy is clearly not what he seems. Apparently he was taken in two times by the Feds and has now totally disappeared as from last Sunday.

I ask her what this asshole does for a living? It turns out that he used to be some kind of scientist in Damascus before he "got involved in politics" and had to leave. All this sounds totally out-there... but very "my Mom". I wonder whether this guy and my problems are connected? I've never even met him and would be the first in line to send him to Guantanamo if there were any suspicions that he's from the Dark Side.

I ring Dave Cameron's office and leave a message with his assistant. Dave will definitely be able to sort this out. Thank God for friends in high places. Being a top columnist for The Independent and a friend of the future prime minister is really going to pay off. I tell the assistant to get Dave to ring me back as soon as possible. This is the kind of case that he will freak about. He doesn't get back to me as quickly as I'd like – so I ring his office back. It turns out that he is having a real chock-a-block week but his assistant says he'll definitely get back to me soon.

I ring Hugh Grant. At times like this, star power is what's needed. I tell him what is going on and can he go on something like Larry King or Richard and Judy and plead my case? He gets all cagey and says that he'd love to but he can't really get involved in this kind of thing as he needs to be careful because of his past with Liz Hurley, who is now married to an Indian... Basically, he doesn't want to do anything that could prevent him from working in the States. Thanks a bunch, Hugh, real friend in need...

Victoria is weeping away at home and worried that she will be booted out as well. I tell her she is British so they can't kick her out – and where would they send her to, the Republic of Prada? It doesn't take long for Trinny to hear the news and she's on the phone pretending to be really sympathetic. She says that she and Susannah are doing really well in the States and that they have some contacts there that they can use to highlight my case. I tell her that it's in the UK that I need help and she goes a bit quieter – things aren't so good for those two on the home front... boo-hoo.

Don't worry, readers, I'm going to fight this – you haven't heard the last of me yet. Any support you could show would be invaluable – get writing. Cooper Out (not literally – Cooper stay in – but that's my catchphrase).

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