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Cooper Brown: Kids

Had a very pleasurable three minutes talking to Claudia Schiffer outside the school gates. She actually asked me where I lived.

How I enjoyed telling her that I was a full-time resident of the Groucho, I think she was very impressed. I keep trying to get H-F to befriend her offspring so we can get some sleepover action going.

This would get me into the magic circle but H-F won’t play ball. He keeps hanging out with the most pointless of kids. His main two friends have, respectively, an estate agent and a cook as parents. What is the point of me paying a king’s ransom to send him to a posh school just so I can network with an estate agent?

Even worse, he keeps nagging me that he wants to do sleepovers. I’ve told him that, until he can get a sleepover at Schiffer’s…he is not going anywhere. I know this sounds harsh but I’m just teaching him what he’s going to have to learn later anyway. You don’t get anywhere in life by having loser friends.

When I was chatting to Schiffer, I told her that our two kids were getting on really well and that we should get them together. Being a parent is all about networking. They don’t know who they like and who they don’t, they’re too young – so you might as well decide for them and choose someone useful. There’s another guy in his year who owns an island in the Caribbean. These are the ones he should be hanging with. If we play our cards right we get ourselves a summer holiday all expenses paid. Who says I’m the bad dad? Cooper Out.