Cooper Brown: Mother on her way

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Bad week ahead for me. My mother is coming to town. She is, like me, an American but the similarities end there. Kind souls might describe her as a "Californian liberal". I prefer the term, "fat, interfering old hippy".

For whatever reason, my mom decided to join a commune in North California before I was born. By commune I sort of mean a bunch of tents in a Redwood forest in which a lot of smelly hippies seemed to take turns in sharing her bed. I've never known who my real father is. My mom claims she can narrow it down to seven but refuses to go any further. Frankly, I'm cool with that. I have no interest in finding out which beachcomber is my genetic father.

Mom has decided to "come pay a visit" which normally means she is out of money. She left the commune decades ago and is now a born-again Christian. I'm not sure that this is much better, at least hippies smoke dope and fall asleep. She can't stop talking and all she ever talks about is Jesus H Christ. Last time she was here, she had this annoying habit whenever we were in a traffic jam, of rolling down her window and telling the people in the car next to us that "Jesus loves you".

Victoria thinks this is all hysterical and wants to take her down to meet her folks. She knows that they won't get along and I think she is looking forward to the drama. I normally like stirring things up but where my mom is concerned, it's all deeply embarrassing. I'm tempted to flee the country but it's too late. Cooper Out.

Twitter- @icooperbrown