Cooper went to Number Ten yesterday. Turns out that all my old Tory network have not forsaken me. I’m good buds with a couple of the Number Ten “West Wing”team and they got me on the invite list for “prominent media persons”. I love being a prominent media person, I might put this on my business card (alongside general good guy and exceptional lover).

The building itself is huge. It looks tiny from the outside but, once you get in it’s a labyrinth. I managed to slip out of the function and wander about for five minutes until somebody found meand herded me back into the room I was supposed to be in. Dave Cameron was not in the best of moods. I reminded him of the good old days in Notting Hill and some of the dinner parties we’d both been at but he behaved like there was a bad smell in the room.

What an a**hole – he was desperate for approval back in the day, always getting me to check out some new reggae tune or see some pic of him with Dido. I guess that it’s difficult to stay yourself when you become Prime Minister but that’s no way to treat an old bud. I got my revenge – I asked one of the flunkies if I could use the john?

I was escorted to this flashy bathroom and I settled in for some serious work. I managed to lay a log so thick and long that I wanted to take a photo of it but I didn’t have my Blackberry on me. I can confidently state that my deposit will be blocking the pipes of power for some time to come. Revenge is a dish best laid cold… Cooper Out. Twitter @icooperbrown