Huge fall-out from our drunken exploits involving the church windows. Turns out that Mulligan and the vicar have some huge feud involving non-payment of some debt and now I've been dragged into it big time.

The vicar had put up amateur CCTV and has footage of me throwing a stone whereas Mulligan kept a hood on and so is unidentifiable. Vicar has gone to father-in-law and whole place has gone bananas. I'm back in town until it all blows over. I head off to Groucho for some peace and quiet only to run into Duncan Bannatyne who is still insanely angry over the street incident last Monday. He accosts me on the new smoking terrace and I try my best to pretend to know nothing while he shouts at me. I'm saved by Victoria who turns up and charms him senseless. Turns out she loves this show he does where he waggles wads of money in front of desperate poor people. We manage to slip away and we head off to some charity evening she has roped me into. Everyone at the table is talking about Colin Firth. It's like a bloody Colin Firth fan club. I hate Colin Firth – he bores me stupid. I tell everyone this and make it worse by mentioning that I think Piers Morgan is far more talented. This really tears it up. One woman is so angry that she uses the "c" word for what she claims is the first time in her life.

Cooper Out.