Cooper Brown: The Brother

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The Independent Online

Good news – I have been “cleared” of being sexist. Like I give a damn, but it makes my life easier for a while. Turns out that I am deemed to be “humorous” and therefore I can say stuff others can’t. Whatever, if they think I’m attempting to be humorous, all the better. I drove to the country today.

I couldn’t go to the main house, as I’m still in the doghouse with Victoria’s parents. I see Mulligan on the drive into the cottage. He’s carrying a long object wrapped in a carpet. I stop and tease him about carrying a body for disposal and that I hoped he’d finally gone and finished off my father-in-law.

He puts the thing down and unwraps it, to show me that he hasn’t killed a man. He is carrying a whole lot of rolled-up posters that have been in the potting shed for years and he has orders to burn. He spends most of his life standing by a fire burning things. Victoria said her friends used to call him “The Burning Man” when she was growing up. One of them got off with him at her 21st and it all got really awkward, as he got quite besotted and she was obviously not going to take anything further.

According to Victoria, he has never married or had girlfriends. This is an area that neither of us ever discuss – he tends to live his life vicariously through mine. We head off to the pub where I tell him more about the Prince Harry incident. He can’t get enough of it. I get drunk and ask him to be my co-driver on the rally. He accepts. What to do? Cooper Out.

Twitter – @icooperbrown