Cooper Brown: The Zoo

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The Independent Online

Bad news – it turns out Victoria’s Australian nanny, the one who got dumped by the Greek guy by text, flew back to Oz today. Victoria rang me up and she’s all sobbing and I immediately think that something has happened to H-F?

I’m relieved when I hear the news about the Aussie. Worse still, Victoria has still got to find premises for her store so I now have to watch H-F for another whole day. Terrified of having to watch more Adrian Chiles with him, I decide to take him to London Zoo. Do you have any idea how expensive it is? It’s mental. If they were housing unicorns or hairy women then fine… but it’s just a lot of bored penguins and insane cats.

Weended up in front of some monkeys who get round their cage using their strong tails to hang off. It was OK for two minutes but H-F wouldn’t leave. I was so bored I started making faces at one of them to make a hot Italian chick opposite laugh. It was going well until the hairy devil sticks his hand up his bottom, pulls out some muck and flings it at me. It goes through the cage like a diffuser and I end up as Mr Stinky. H-F obviously thinks it’s the funniest thing since Adrian Chiles and he’s laughing at me, as is the Italian chick. I stagger away from the cage and try to find somewhere to wipe the mess off. I eventually find myself in the canteen – a dreadful rainforesty-type place that looks like it serves meat straight from the zoo. I go into the toilets and manage to get enough off to let me make the depressing journey home. Cooper Out.

Twitter- @icooperbrown