Tuesday 5 April 2011
Cooper Brown: Trunk stunt
I left Mulligan busy with another plan to catch the Lesbian Sticker Lady. He intends to stay in the trunk of my car and jump out when he feels her presence.
The trunk is not that roomy, so rather him than me. I am still in trouble with Victoria because I didn’t do anything for Mother’s Day. Everyone here told me that this never used to be a big deal and now suddenly women demand to be treated like Cleopatra because some greetings card company has found a way to shift more cards.
According to Victoria she should have had breakfast in bed, flowers, a present and then be taken out to an expensive restaurant. Instead we took Mulligan to the zoo as he’d never seen an elephant. I thought this was a far nobler thing to do but Victoria strongly disagreed. So I take her to Scott’s and we sit there while she waves at all these idiots lounging around the bar necking champagne like there is no tomorrow.
Despite her almost eating nothing, the bill still comes to an extraordinary amount. I hate feeling forced by convention to take someone out. Then I get a call from the police. It turns out that Mulligan has been arrested. He jumped out of the trunk when somebody touched the car. It was a traffic warden and Mulligan has not encountered them before. He saw the ticket, assumed this was the Lesbian Sticker Lady and pinned her to the floor. The police were called and he is now up for assault. How stupid can a man be? Cooper Out.
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