Wednesday 13 April 2011
Cooper Brown: Winning the War
We were up early for the second day of “Operation Lesbian Sticker Lady”. Mulligan armed the Quattroporte again. Anybody touching it would get a severe electric shock. Mulligan had shown me his hands that had been burnt raw from when he'd tested it. He now had them wrapped in bandages.
I opened a bottle of champagne and waited for the show to begin. It didn’t take long. An hour after we’d started I was just peeking at the plump Italian girl who always gets changed with the curtains open in the studio flat opposite when something caught my eye by the post box. It was the Lesbian Sticker Lady and she hadn’t seen me. Her beady little eyes were fixed on the Quattroporte and she was carrying the plastic Marks & Spencer’s bag in which she always carried the stickers. I sat stock still, like a hunter by a waterhole, desperate not to scare off the prey. She looked around shiftily, her eyes scanning the street for trouble.
She approached the car, and started rummaging around for the first sticker. I felt almost orgasmic in expectation. She produced a sticker andmoved to slam it onto the windscreen. Everything happened really fast. There was a small explosion and what seemed like a flash. She screamed like a wounded banshee and was hurled backwards into the parking meter, and knocked unconscious. Mulligan was on her before I could think. He dragged her off towards his Land Rover shouting that when she woke up she’d be in Scotland. Finally, the Cooperman wins the war. Cooper Out.
Katie Hopkins on LBC Radio: 'Solve Mediterranean migrant crisis by making a huge bonfire of all the boats in north Africa'
General Election 2015: Nigel Farage is on course to lose in South Thanet and Ukip faces wipeout, experts predict
Katie Hopkins on LBC: Hear The Sun columnist left grasping at insults after one caller takes her task over 'hateful' migrant comments
UK General Election: Nigel Farage says David Cameron must take some responsibility for migrant deaths in Mediterranean
Shroud of Turin goes back on display in Italian city's Cathedral, but does it show the face of Jesus Christ, or is it a medieval hoax?
General Election 2015: SNP in 'very strong' position to 'change direction' of next government, Nicola Sturgeon says
£18000 - £23000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: They work with major vehicle ma...
£16500 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Chiropractic Assistant is needed in a ...
£18000 - £26000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: They work with major vehicle ma...
£28000 - £30000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This company provides coaching ...