Cooper Brown: Winning the War

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The Independent Online

We were up early for the second day of “Operation Lesbian Sticker Lady”. Mulligan armed the Quattroporte again. Anybody touching it would get a severe electric shock. Mulligan had shown me his hands that had been burnt raw from when he'd tested it. He now had them wrapped in bandages.

I opened a bottle of champagne and waited for the show to begin. It didn’t take long. An hour after we’d started I was just peeking at the plump Italian girl who always gets changed with the curtains open in the studio flat opposite when something caught my eye by the post box. It was the Lesbian Sticker Lady and she hadn’t seen me. Her beady little eyes were fixed on the Quattroporte and she was carrying the plastic Marks & Spencer’s bag in which she always carried the stickers. I sat stock still, like a hunter by a waterhole, desperate not to scare off the prey. She looked around shiftily, her eyes scanning the street for trouble.

She approached the car, and started rummaging around for the first sticker. I felt almost orgasmic in expectation. She produced a sticker andmoved to slam it onto the windscreen. Everything happened really fast. There was a small explosion and what seemed like a flash. She screamed like a wounded banshee and was hurled backwards into the parking meter, and knocked unconscious. Mulligan was on her before I could think. He dragged her off towards his Land Rover shouting that when she woke up she’d be in Scotland. Finally, the Cooperman wins the war. Cooper Out.