I’ve spent all day waiting in the Cooperdome for the great British workman. This is a man who sits at home watching Jeremy Kyle waiting for somebody to be in trouble.

In my case, it was a washing machine that decided to dump its load all over the floor. It wouldn’t stop leaking. This is something of an urgent situation, requiring some speed you might think? I ring the Jeremy Kyle watcher who is a plumber in his spare time.

He sounds very annoyed to have been disturbed. We eventually agree he might visit me some time that day but I will have to pay an “emergency call-out fee” of £300 for him to even consider this. I hand over my credit card details, fully aware this will probably be used to finance his online porn addiction but I have no choice – the Cooperdome is fast becoming an indoor pool. I am at least guaranteed a rapid response.

After all, I have paid an “emergency” call-out fee. Three hours later and the water is up to my knees and I’m swimming around trying to find the phone. I ring the plumber – he is still at home but assures me he is on his way very soon. I start to fantasise about how I’m going to kill him when he arrives. I decide that I’m going to drown him, in stages, after he has fixed the problem. Five hours after my call he turns up. He wanders about the flat aimlessly trying to find something to do. I stand behind him seriously considering hitting him hard with a chair. I am a total prisoner. So far the bill is £700 and, like the water, still rising.

Cooper Out. Twitter- @icooperbrown