Thursday 17 March 2011
Cooper Brown: Workmen
I’ve spent all day waiting in the Cooperdome for the great British workman. This is a man who sits at home watching Jeremy Kyle waiting for somebody to be in trouble.
In my case, it was a washing machine that decided to dump its load all over the floor. It wouldn’t stop leaking. This is something of an urgent situation, requiring some speed you might think? I ring the Jeremy Kyle watcher who is a plumber in his spare time.
He sounds very annoyed to have been disturbed. We eventually agree he might visit me some time that day but I will have to pay an “emergency call-out fee” of £300 for him to even consider this. I hand over my credit card details, fully aware this will probably be used to finance his online porn addiction but I have no choice – the Cooperdome is fast becoming an indoor pool. I am at least guaranteed a rapid response.
After all, I have paid an “emergency” call-out fee. Three hours later and the water is up to my knees and I’m swimming around trying to find the phone. I ring the plumber – he is still at home but assures me he is on his way very soon. I start to fantasise about how I’m going to kill him when he arrives. I decide that I’m going to drown him, in stages, after he has fixed the problem. Five hours after my call he turns up. He wanders about the flat aimlessly trying to find something to do. I stand behind him seriously considering hitting him hard with a chair. I am a total prisoner. So far the bill is £700 and, like the water, still rising.
Cooper Out. Twitter- @icooperbrown
Russian 'aggression' sees Poland rearm its military as minister warns: 'We must be ready'
Greek insolvency would have 'gigantic' consequences, German minister says
Charles Kennedy 1959-2015: A gifted, compassionate politician whose career was cut short by the 'demon drink' - latest news
Iraqi PM says rise of Isis is failure of the world – and the West is to blame
We have six months to save the world, says leading economist
MPs' pay watchdog Ipsa backs 10% pay increase for politicians to £74,000 by the end of June
£18000 - £45000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Sales Executive is required t...
£35000 - £40000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Are you inspired to bring new a...
£14000 - £18000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an exciting opportunity...
£15000 - £18000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This company are a world leadin...