Deborah Ross: How to make your own ugly rugby player...

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The Independent Online

Whenever there is a major rugby tournament, a lot of people, and women particularly, say to me: "Deb, those rugby players are ugly buggers, aren't they? How can we make our own at home?" It may seem odd, wanting to make your own rugby player at home, when they are such ugly buggers – although of course, I am not including Ireland's Tony O'Reilly, who was, and remains, a total dish! But as Charlotte Church said: "I've got one at home and I love him and have even had sex with him and am about to have his baby."

I'm not sure I believe her – like she'd keep her eyes open! Although I should add I have nothing against her "Gav", whose fan club says he looks just like Elvis. Anyone in their right mind might reasonably ask: "Which part looks just like Elvis? The elbows?"

I've nothing against rugby either – even though it's as dumb and boring as most sports but with the added element of senseless danger. Men love senseless danger. My own partner won't take the rubbish out unless I threaten to chase and then head-butt him. As soon as I do, he's off, because now it's sport, you see. Anyway, how to make that rugby player at home, for which you will need the following: a two-day old pizza, a cauliflower, a gnarled tuber or root vegetable that goes this way, then the other and back again, a sofa, another sofa, a cooking range, a garage and a joke wig.

And the directions: using pizza as face, cut out a good, crooked shape for the kind of mouth you would no more kiss than if it were a dog's bottom. Attach cauliflowers for ears and tuber for nose. Use a sofa for the neck and the other sofa for the arse. Use the cooking range for thighs and the garage for belly. If you do not have a garage use next door's house. For the hair, it very much depends on the exact ugly look you are going for. If it's a Jones look (Adam or Duncan, Wales) any wig from the joke shop should cut it. Adam is blond and Duncan isn't, or it may be the other way around. They are both ugly buggers but their mothers love them (when looking the other way). There is no need to include a brain as rugby players' off-pitch activities rarely amount to more than going to the pub to talk about girls' racks, singdirty songs and fall over vomiting beer. You could try a pea, if you are feeling generous.

We hope you enjoy making this rugby player at home. Here, by the way, are a few we made earlier. We should add that not all rugby players fall over and vomit beer.

Tony O'Reilly never did.