Deborah Ross: Our Woman in Crouch End

'Scrunch up the wallchart, attach to head and there you have it - lovely hair extensions'


My Wallchart of Stuff, printed here last week was so popular that it would now be up on walls throughout the country if only readers hadn't instantly binned it while sighing, "What is the world coming to?" And, "Whatever next, a Wallchart of Wallcharts?" Still, what to do with a wallchart when your bin is full?

Indeed, another newspaper recently posed a variation on this question - what to do if you run out of wall space? - but its ideas for badges and necklaces and aprons were wholly unwearable. However, my own ideas are supremely practical.

My models are Jenny and Katy who are at The Independent doing work experience and agreed to model not because they were too cowed to say "no", but because they were keen as mustard. "We're keen as mustard," they said, as I pulled them back into the building by their hair. Here goes:

The Head Scarf

You will need: wallchart; head; stapler

Spread out wallchart, put on head, staple under chin, but not to chin. This is the perfect item to wear to a summer wedding. You must always have something to wear to a summer wedding even though you haven't been invited to a summer wedding and have never been invited to a summer wedding, but the thing about summer weddings is that you always have to have an outfit for one, and now at least you have the head scarf. Also suitable for Wimbledon, Zippo's Circus, late-night shopping in Debenhams and playing with stuff at beauty counters without buying.

Not weatherproof but guaranteed sexproof, especially if worn in bed and accompanied by cries of: "Keep off! You may tear it, you blundering, cack-handed buffoon!" Not suitable for small children due to its unsuitability plus such a lack of sophistication in the playground they will be horribly teased. Also suitable for cheese festivals and the bingo, but mostly summer weddings. As Jenny says: "I love this headscarf. It is just so perfect for summer weddings. Can I go back to making tea now, please?"

The False Moustache

You will need: wallchart; face; strong upper-lip muscles (available from

Roll up wallchart as tight as possible, if not tighter, and squeeze between bottom of nose and upper lip. This is an excellent disguise. Look at Katy! Even Katy's mother won't recognise her until she does and says, "Katy, if I were you, I'd get out of that place fast. Your father will be outside in a taxi in 10 minutes."

This disguise is much favoured by Brad and Angelina although you wouldn't know because you wouldn't recognise them, either at a cheese festival or late-night shopping in Debenhams. They are keen on cheese festivals and late-night shopping in Debenhams and, thanks to the moustache, can browse without being bothered.

"When you are tasting cheese at cheese festivals," says Brad, "you just want it to be about you and the cheese."

Not compatible with cigarettes, cigars or briar pipes as your whole head can go up in flames which will draw attention to you. Can also be worn to summer weddings. Indeed, although Katy wasn't enthusiastic about the false moustache initially, after two Chinese burns she said: "I love this moustache which, I can now see, is just so perfect for summer weddings. If Jenny isn't making the tea, can I?"

The Hair Extension

You will need: wallchart; scalp; hairgrip; strong nerve

Scrunch up wallchart, attach to head with grip, and there you have it, lovely extensions that do not require a hairdresser or a dash across Europe should you wish to get them titivated. Very much the ethical option. Posh and Coleen have already expressed a great deal of interest, or would have if it hadn't meant putting their shopping down. But as they would have said: "We are fed up of wearing the hair of poor Eastern European girls who can not afford even the most basic items, like a Mulberry handbag or really big Chanel sunglasses. It's a disgrace that so much attention goes to Africa when people are going without Mulberry handbags and really big Chanel sunglasses on our very doorstep, unless we are confusing Eastern Europe with the Isle of Wight."

Saint Bono of Bono-Bonoland is totally behind these revolutionary new extensions, as is Saint Bob of Geldof, who said: "Listen, fart-face, just don't call me at home ever again."

Katy is delighted with her extensions. "I've never looked lovelier," she says. "When I tell people it's not my own hair - much of which was pulled out during my work experience - they are shocked. For the first time in my life, I feel like a complete woman." Perfect for a summer wedding? "Also," she says, "they're just so perfect for a summer wedding. Meanwhile, I think I hate you and would like to go home now, if I may. "

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