Deborah Ross: Our Woman In Crouch End

I know what the local elections are missing - some candidates from the Jewish Mums' Army

Share

The magazine Take a Break, one of those true-story weeklies full of heart-warming tales such as "Mum Fell For Own Son", in which a mother encounters her long-lost son and has sex with him - always so touching, these reunion stories - has effectively launched its own political party. It's called Mums' Army and is fielding 54 candidates for the English local elections on 4 May.

The candidates are taken from the magazine's readers, so I'm guessing that, as they canvass, they are themselves taking a break from having unprotected intercourse with family members; going to the loo and having a baby ("...and I didn't even know I was pregnant, that's how thick I am!"); selling their arse for Lemsip (as in: "I Sold My Arse For Lemsip!"); or thinking, "I loved him, so why did I stab him, chop him up and knit him into a Thomas the Tank Engine hoodie with matching scratch mitts for my baby grandson Blaine?".

There may even be an accompanying photograph of baby Blaine, with a caption that reads: "Here is my lovely grandson Blaine, in his little hoodie and scratch mitts, which are very good for scratch cards. Pattern available on request. We love him to bits and won't eat him and sell the story for at least a fortnight. The scratch mitts are also very good for scratching social workers and those busybodies who go on about breast-feeding, like you'll get your tits out for anybody! Like you're a tart!"

Anyway, the Mums' Army are, apparently, fighting mostly for tougher action on antisocial behaviour. Listen, just because you have sex with your own kids, have babies on the loo, stab the man you love, and sell your arse for Lemsip, it doesn't, of course, mean that you don't have standards or can't lead by example. Hey, if I can sell my arse for Lemsip, chances are I can sell yours, too! You'd be amazed what an arse can be worth in Lemsip! Vote for me!

However, before you do so, you might like to consider my own party, the Jewish Mums' Army, which we bring to you even though we'll look crap in combats, and will probably have to appliqué them and do a lot of glitzy beadwork. This has yet to be backed by a magazine, as I only just thought of it, but if it were, the magazine would probably be called: Take a Break... Take a Break? Do You Think Mrs Goldman's Son got to be a Top Cosmetic Dentist by Taking Breaks?

The magazine would also be full of true-life heart-warming tales - "I Told Him To Take A Jumper, And He Thanked Me In The End" - but no sport, as Jewish people won't do anything that involves shorts and jumping up and down, and no camping. Jewish people don't do camping, or any kind of holiday unless there's a proper lobby involved. (A Jewish person would never sell their arse for Lemsip, by the way. They'd get a better deal than that. Night Nurse, at least. And, I'll tell you this for nothing: it wouldn't be retail.)

So, Jewish Mums' Army it is, and here are some of our proposals:

POLICING

More and better policing, with officers on the beat and local police stations staffed by officers who know their patch, answer the phone, and deal swiftly with youngsters who were told to take a jumper, but didn't, even though you ran after them shouting, "Take a jumper!", or even texted them: "did u tk a jmpr? shll I drp 1 off? no dstnce 2 far. hav u eaten? if so, wht?". Mostly, we have found the police to be wholly unsympathetic, saying, "For goodness sake, madam, we have better things to do than go after kids who don't take jumpers. For example, we've got a woman here who has just sold her arse for Lemsip."

Plus, many of our mothers have found they get the same reaction when their kids go out without coats, even though it might rain! Or hail! As can happen in August! So you have all these kids out there, on the streets, without jumpers or coats, upsetting the whole community, particularly if it's St John's Wood, and the police do nothing. It has to stop.

HUMAN RIGHTS

The law needs to come down in favour of the victim who, often, is treated as the culprit. "Madam, he's 42. Let him go out without a jumper." This is unacceptable as there is nothing a Jewish mother worries more about than a child of hers, whatever the age, out there without a jumper on. There is too much fuss about the kids' human rights. What about the rights of people to live without the fear of someone they love getting a cold and having to do terrible things for over-the-counter medication that doesn't work anyway?

FAMILIES

We need to give support to parents who are trying to teach their children, for example, how important it is to tell their mothers exactly what they had for lunch, down to the last detail, and what outerwear they were wearing at the time. None of this, by the way, has anything to do with getting publicity for Take a Break... Take a Break? Do You Think Mrs Goldman's Son got to be a Top Cosmetic Dentist by Taking Breaks? It's a serious campaign. It even comes with a free turtleneck, umbrella and pack-a-mac.

(It's £500 if you've slept with your own son, but £1,000 if you did it for Lemsip while simultaneously hopping and putting the rubbish out.)

d.ross@independent.co.uk

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Web Team Leader

£30000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: One of the UK's leading web des...

Recruitment Genius: Client Manager

£27000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A growing, successful, friendly...

Recruitment Genius: Property Negotiator - OTE £20,000+

£16000 - £25000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This family owned, independent ...

Recruitment Genius: Sales Administrator - Spanish Speaking

£17000 - £21000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is a fantastic opportunity...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Separate lives: Boston’s streets illustrate the divide between the town’s communities  

Migrants have far more to offer than hard work and wealth creation, yet too many exist in isolation from the rest of society

Emily Dugan
Harper Lee's To Kill a Mockingbird has sold 40 million copies  

Go Set a Watchman: Harper Lee’s new novel is more than just a literary event

Joseph Charlton
The Greek referendum exposes a gaping hole at the heart of the European Union – its distinct lack of any genuine popular legitimacy

Gaping hole at the heart of the European Union

Treatment of Greece has shown up a lack of genuine legitimacy
Number of young homeless in Britain 'more than three times the official figures'

'Everything changed when I went to the hostel'

Number of young homeless people in Britain is 'more than three times the official figures'
Compton Cricket Club

Compton Cricket Club

Portraits of LA cricketers from notorious suburb to be displayed in London
London now the global money-laundering centre for the drug trade, says crime expert

Wlecome to London, drug money-laundering centre for the world

'Mexico is its heart and London is its head'
The Buddhist temple minutes from Centre Court that helps a winner keep on winning

The Buddhist temple minutes from Centre Court

It helps a winner keep on winning
Is this the future of flying: battery-powered planes made of plastic, and without flight decks?

Is this the future of flying?

Battery-powered planes made of plastic, and without flight decks
Isis are barbarians – but the Caliphate is a dream at the heart of all Muslim traditions

Isis are barbarians

but the Caliphate is an ancient Muslim ideal
The Brink's-Mat curse strikes again: three tons of stolen gold that brought only grief

Curse of Brink's Mat strikes again

Death of John 'Goldfinger' Palmer the latest killing related to 1983 heist
Greece debt crisis: 'The ministers talk to us about miracles' – why Greeks are cynical ahead of the bailout referendum

'The ministers talk to us about miracles'

Why Greeks are cynical ahead of the bailout referendum
Call of the wild: How science is learning to decode the way animals communicate

Call of the wild

How science is learning to decode the way animals communicate
Greece debt crisis: What happened to democracy when it’s a case of 'Vote Yes or else'?

'The economic collapse has happened. What is at risk now is democracy...'

If it doesn’t work in Europe, how is it supposed to work in India or the Middle East, asks Robert Fisk
The science of swearing: What lies behind the use of four-letter words?

The science of swearing

What lies behind the use of four-letter words?
The Real Stories of Migrant Britain: Clive fled from Zimbabwe - now it won't have him back

The Real Stories of Migrant Britain

Clive fled from Zimbabwe - now it won’t have him back
Africa on the menu: Three foodie friends want to popularise dishes from the continent

Africa on the menu

Three foodie friends want to popularise dishes from the hot new continent
Donna Karan is stepping down after 30 years - so who will fill the DKNY creator's boots?

Who will fill Donna Karan's boots?

The designer is stepping down as Chief Designer of DKNY after 30 years. Alexander Fury looks back at the career of 'America's Chanel'