Deborah Ross: Our woman in Crouch End

Sisters, let's be entirely honest, we're crap at lots of things - and we should be proud

Share

So, Gordon Ramsay reckons women can't cook; advertising executive Neil French says they make rubbish employees; Harvard president Larry Summers says genetic differences condemn females to failure in science - and what has the response of women been to all this? To say how "crap" men are, predictably enough - yawn, yawn, yawn. Come on, girls! At the risk of betraying the sisterhood, women are pathetically useless at some things and, trust me, there is absolutely no shame in accepting that this is so. Here are a few examples:

I have never met a woman who falls asleep in front of the television at 9pm, wakes up at 2am, stumbles off to bed, ricochets noisily off the wardrobe, then scratches her private parts with gusto before falling flat on her back where she will spend the rest of the night making a noise alternating between an oncoming train and a peculiar nasal whinnying. Sisters, let us be entirely honest, we are crap at this.

I have never met a woman who refuses to call a plumber when the pipe behind the washing machine develops a leak and instead keeps insisting "I'll fix it, I'll fix it" although when she does get round to it, several months later, bumbles around so clumsily she causes a second leak but still will not call a plumber and still keeps insisting "I can fix it" while looking daggers at you, you stupid fat nag. Sisters, let us be entirely honest, we are crap at this.

I have never met a woman who, when driving, has punched her navigator full in the face for simply reading the map upside down and so now we are miles from anywhere, and going to be really late, so well done you. Sisters, let us be entirely honest, we are crap at this.

I have never met a woman who falls asleep in front of the television 9pm, opens her eyes briefly at 10ish, says: "I don't know what you see in Sex In The City/Desperate Housewives/ER/Lost," has a slight go at her privates - saving the real gusto for later: something to look forward to - then closes her eyes again, although perhaps not before a last: "I can fix it, I can." Sisters, let us be entirely honest, we are crap at this.

I have never met a woman who, on requiring a black shirt for a performance of their choir, say, purchases one from the Oxfam shop with a white embroidered design on the front because "it's all they had" and then spends several hours colouring in each white stitch with a black felt-tip pen and what do you mean I should have tried another shop... after I'd already been to one? Sisters, let us be entirely honest, we are crap at this.

I have never met a woman who, on passing The Gadget Shop, will declare that the little remote control car is the best thing ever and I must get one and while I'm in there, I think I'll also get one of those little robots that serve cocktails, because even though we need the money for the weekly shop, you just can't beat a little robot that serves cocktails. Sisters, let us be entirely honest, we are crap at this.

I have never met a woman who has a secret "short-cut" that is actually longer than the long-cut but who will persist in proudly calling it "my short-cut" even though all stopwatches and odometers - and even the use of two cars to see who gets home first - prove otherwise, every single time, none of which count "because I got caught behind a milk float". Sisters, let us be entirely honest, we are crap at this.

I have never met a woman who has such a thing for Helen Mirren that she would follow her to the ends of the earth and happily drink her bathwater and has, on occasion, even called out her name during sex because, let's face it, while some people get sexier with age you're not one of them, you saggy-bummed old hag. Sisters, let us be entirely honest, we are crap at this.

I have never met a woman who finds jokey barbecue aprons printed with large faux breasts and a jungle of pubic hair even vaguely amusing and what's your problem, don't you like a laugh? Sisters, let us be entirely honest, we are crap at this.

I have never met a woman who, on being told that a particular skin cream will make her skin appear illuminated, radiant and smoother over time as a more youthful appearance is simultaneously achieved, will write it off as the pile of toss it is, refuse to spend her money on it and walk away with both her dignity and self-respect in tact. Sisters, let us be entirely honest, we are really, really, really crap at this.

I have never met a woman who, in spite of her astonishing ability to multi-task - and even multi-task while multi-tasking - can keep up with the plot of a Mafia film - as in who has double-crossed whom - and so will, admittedly, annoy everybody by asking over and over:"I don't understand who killed Frankie, or why?" Now, sisters, this sort of thing, we are good at.

d.ross@independent.co.uk

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

SEN Teaching Assistant

£45 - £60 per day: Randstad Education Bristol: Supply SEN Support Jobs in Glou...

Humanities and Economics Teacher - January 2015 - Malaysia

£18000 - £20400 per annum + Accommodation, Flights, Medical Cover: Randstad Ed...

SEN Teaching Assistant needed for long term assignment

£45 - £55 per day: Randstad Education Preston: We are looking for an experienc...

Primary Teachers Required in King's Lynn

Negotiable: Randstad Education Cambridge: Primary Teachers needed in King's Ly...

Day In a Page

Read Next
<p><b>Mock the Week</b></p>
The newest of our quiz shows was created by Created by Dan Patterson and Mark Leveson, who also made 'Whose Line is it Anyway?'. This is more of a 'quiz' format, and for me, the best part about it is that it introduced me to Frankie Boyle.  

Liberal shows like Mock The Week just can’t understand why Ukip has so many supporters

Nigel Farage
The appearance of Miguel Arias Canete at a Brussels hearing last Wednesday caused 100,000 people to sign a petition to prevent his appointment  

TTIP is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the EU's suspect relationships with corporations

Lee Williams
Isis in Syria: A general reveals the lack of communication with the US - and his country's awkward relationship with their allies-by-default

A Syrian general speaks

A senior officer of Bashar al-Assad’s regime talks to Robert Fisk about his army’s brutal struggle with Isis, in a dirty war whose challenges include widespread atrocities
‘A bit of a shock...’ Cambridge economist with Glasgow roots becomes Zambia’s acting President

‘A bit of a shock...’ Economist with Glasgow roots becomes Zambia’s acting President

Guy Scott's predecessor, Michael Sata, died in a London hospital this week after a lengthy illness
Fall of the Berlin Wall: History catches up with Erich Honecker - the East German leader who praised the Iron Curtain and claimed it prevented a Third World War

Fall of the Berlin Wall

History catches up with Erich Honecker - the East German leader who praised the Iron Curtain and claimed it prevented a Third World War
How to turn your mobile phone into easy money

Turn your mobile phone into easy money

There are 90 million unused mobiles in the UK, which would be worth £7bn if we cashed them in, says David Crookes
Independent writers remember their Saturday jobs:

Independent writers remember their Saturday jobs

"I have never regarded anything I have done in "the media" as a proper job"
Lyricist Richard Thomas shares his 11-step recipe for creating a hit West End musical

11-step recipe for creating a West End hit

Richard Thomas, the lyricist behind the Jerry Springer and Anna Nicole Smith operas, explains how Bob Dylan, 'Breaking Bad' and even Noam Chomsky inspired his songbook for the new musical 'Made in Dagenham'
Tonke Dragt's The Letter for the King has finally been translated into English ... 50 years on

Buried treasure: The Letter for the King

The coming-of-age tale about a boy and his mission to save a mythical kingdom has sold a million copies since it was written by an eccentric Dutchwoman in 1962. Yet until last year, no one had read it in English
Can instilling a sense of entrepreneurship in pupils have a positive effect on their learning?

The school that means business

Richard Garner heads to Lancashire, where developing the 'dragons' of the future is also helping one community academy to achieve its educational goals
10 best tablets

The world in your pocket: 10 best tablets

They’re thin, they’re light, you can use them for work on the move or keeping entertained
Lutz Pfannenstiel: The goalkeeper who gave up Bayern Munich for the Crazy Gang, Bradford and a whirlwind trawl across continents

Lutz Pfannenstiel interview

The goalkeeper who gave up Bayern Munich for the Crazy Gang, Bradford and a whirlwind trawl across continents
Pete Jenson: Popular Jürgen Klopp can reignite Borussia Dortmund’s season with visit to Bayern Munich

Pete Jenson's a Different League

Popular Klopp can reignite Dortmund’s season with visit to Bayern
John Cantlie video proves that Isis expects victory in Kobani

Cantlie video proves that Isis expects victory in Kobani

The use of the British hostage demonstrates once again the militants' skill and originality in conducting a propaganda war, says Patrick Cockburn
The killer instinct: The man who helps students spot potential murderers

The killer instinct

Phil Chalmers travels the US warning students how to spot possible future murderers, but can his contentious methods really stop the bloodshed?
Clothing the gap: A new exhibition celebrates women who stood apart from the fashion herd

Clothing the gap

A new exhibition celebrates women who stood apart from the fashion herd
Fall of the Berlin Wall: Goodbye to all that - the lost world beyond the Iron Curtain

The Fall of the Berlin Wall

Goodbye to all that - the lost world beyond the Iron Curtain