Deborah Ross: Our Woman in Crouch End

If that's a seven - and I'm only saying if - it looks like I'll be getting wet feet again

Share

Sudoku. Big Sudoku. Little Sudoku. Advanced Sudoku. Intermediate Suduko. Easy Peasy Japanesey Sudoku. Suduko On The Go. Sudoku While You Go. Sudoku on the Toilet. Sudoku and chips. Sudoku on toast. I'd like my Sudoku medium-rare, please, with an extra portion of Sudoku on the side. Would you like to Sudoku? No, I think I'll sit this one out, but thanks anyway. It's Sudoku every which way and everywhere you look, even in The Sun.

Sudoku. Big Sudoku. Little Sudoku. Advanced Sudoku. Intermediate Suduko. Easy Peasy Japanesey Sudoku. Suduko On The Go. Sudoku While You Go. Sudoku on the Toilet. Sudoku and chips. Sudoku on toast. I'd like my Sudoku medium-rare, please, with an extra portion of Sudoku on the side. Would you like to Sudoku? No, I think I'll sit this one out, but thanks anyway. It's Sudoku every which way and everywhere you look, even in The Sun.

So, Sudoku. It's the game, they say, that "everyone is talking about", although, actually, this is not strictly true as Vladimir Putin has yet to say anything about it, as far as I am aware, or Reg Varney, and while Reg has been very quiet on most things for the last few years or so, you would think that if everyone really were talking about it then we'd have heard something from him by now.

Sew 'em up!

As it happens, I just don't get the popularity of this Sudoku business but, then, there is so much in life I don't get. I don't, for example, get all this fuss concerning those nasty youths in hoodies who spit a lot and are six-foot plus yet still gather in fours to mug 12 year-olds at the bus-stop, as they did to my son last week.

The solution, it seems to me, is simple. It may even be, quite literally, staring us in the face. Sew their bloody hoods up! And sew them up good and proper! Then, we can watch them ricocheting blindly off lamp-posts before, hopefully, staggering on to the road directly in the path of an oncoming juggernaut, or maybe even a Sudoku delivery van, which is a big thing because the nation is getting through through Sudokus at such a rate. (There is a 12-week wait at Harvey Nicholls for the latest crocodile-skin ones with diamante grids).

This sounds fearfully harsh and right-wing, I know. And, yes, I know they probably come from "challenging" backgrounds of the the most challenging kind, but I wouldn't mind seeing them a bit more deadish all the same. Sew 'em up! I say. And by sew 'em up I mean sew 'em up, as we must not let them get away with a bit of loose tacking.

Fluff puzzle

Now, where were we? Oh, yes. Sudoku. My partner is addicted, even though he is rubbish at puzzles. He is puzzled when he opens the fridge and there is no food in it, as usually it gets there by magic. He is puzzled by the über-slappers in Celebrity Love Island. "But what do they do?" he keeps asking. They do über-slapping, I keep replying. Still, it's not as if they're all thick. As one said most insightfully the other night, "I support Real Madrid because I love Italian football."

He is puzzled as to why the fluff in the tumble dryer is always grey no matter the colour of the wash, but I'm not sure that counts, as everyone is puzzled by that.

Numbers game

Whatever, he loves his Sudoku. He starts at dawn at the kitchen table. He goes "ah" and "oh" and "if that's a seven - although I'm only saying if - that has to be a two and if that is two then... and again I'm only saying if..."

While puzzling over his puzzle, what he likes is for me to recite random numbers at him very, very fast. "Four-nine-seven-seven-one-three-five-five-four-two-twenty-twelve-one-seven-nine-nine ... can't you find something better to do with your time?" Alternatively, I may sing them. The "Happy Birthday To You" tune works well: "Four Four Three One Seven Two/ Four Four ThreeOne Seven Two/ Eight Nine Six Five Twenty Se-ven/ Four Four Three One Seven Two"

When he moves to another room, he likes nothing better than for me to follow him, singing all the while. (Anything by Slade works, whereas Kurt Weill is tricky). He will eventually opt for locking himself in the toilet, but that's OK, because you can always sing at him from outside the door until it gets too boring.

Actually, what with him doing Sudoku in there and then my recently mugged son (sew 'em up!) slipping in to do a Four-Four-Two - that's his football magazine - I'm rarely allowed a look in and have sometimes been forced to pee in the garden. It's not nice. It's not funny. I can't help wetting my feet. If I were to blame anything - and I'm only saying if - I'd blame Sudoku.

d.ross@independent.co.uk

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Marketing Executive / Marketing Research Executive

£30000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: The Company is the UK's leading...

Recruitment Genius: Operations Manager / Section Manager - Airport Security

£40000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is a critical role within the secur...

Recruitment Genius: Sales Executive - OTE £45-55k

£20000 - £55000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: The company is an established, ...

Recruitment Genius: E-Commerce Manager - Fashion Accessories

£25000 - £30000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is a great opportunity for...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Here’s why I’m so full of (coffee) beans

Jane Merrick
Syrian conflict is the world's first 'climate change war', say scientists, but it won't be the last one

Climate change key in Syrian conflict

And it will trigger more war in future
How I outwitted the Gestapo

How I outwitted the Gestapo

My life as a Jew in wartime Berlin
The nation's favourite animal revealed

The nation's favourite animal revealed

Women like cuddly creatures whilst men like creepy-crawlies
Is this the way to get young people to vote?

Getting young people to vote

From #VOTESELFISH to Bite the Ballot
Poldark star Heida Reed: 'I don't think a single bodice gets ripped'

Poldark star Heida Reed

'I don't think a single bodice gets ripped'
The difference between America and Israel? There isn’t one

The difference between America and Israel? There isn’t one

Netanyahu knows he can get away with anything in America, says Robert Fisk
Families clubbing together to build their own affordable accommodation

Do It Yourself approach to securing a new house

Community land trusts marking a new trend for taking the initiative away from developers
Head of WWF UK: We didn’t send Cameron to the Arctic to see green ideas freeze

David Nussbaum: We didn’t send Cameron to the Arctic to see green ideas freeze

The head of WWF UK remains sanguine despite the Government’s failure to live up to its pledges on the environment
Author Kazuo Ishiguro on being inspired by shoot-outs and samurai

Author Kazuo Ishiguro on being inspired by shoot-outs and samurai

Set in a mythologised 5th-century Britain, ‘The Buried Giant’ is a strange beast
With money, corruption and drugs, this monk fears Buddhism in Thailand is a ‘poisoned fruit’

Money, corruption and drugs

The monk who fears Buddhism in Thailand is a ‘poisoned fruit’
America's first slavery museum established at Django Unchained plantation - 150 years after slavery outlawed

150 years after it was outlawed...

... America's first slavery museum is established in Louisiana
Kelly Clarkson: How I snubbed Simon Cowell and become a Grammy-winning superstar

Kelly Clarkson: How I snubbed Simon Cowell and become a Grammy-winning superstar

The first 'American Idol' winner on how she manages to remain her own woman – Jane Austen fascination and all
Tony Oursler on exploring our uneasy relationship with technology with his new show

You won't believe your eyes

Tony Oursler's new show explores our uneasy relationship with technology. He's one of a growing number of artists with that preoccupation
Ian Herbert: Peter Moores must go. He should never have been brought back to fail again

Moores must go. He should never have been brought back to fail again

The England coach leaves players to find solutions - which makes you wonder where he adds value, says Ian Herbert
War with Isis: Fears that the looming battle for Mosul will unleash 'a million refugees'

The battle for Mosul will unleash 'a million refugees'

Aid agencies prepare for vast exodus following planned Iraqi offensive against the Isis-held city, reports Patrick Cockburn