Deborah Ross: Our Woman in Crouch End

If that's a seven - and I'm only saying if - it looks like I'll be getting wet feet again

Share

Sudoku. Big Sudoku. Little Sudoku. Advanced Sudoku. Intermediate Suduko. Easy Peasy Japanesey Sudoku. Suduko On The Go. Sudoku While You Go. Sudoku on the Toilet. Sudoku and chips. Sudoku on toast. I'd like my Sudoku medium-rare, please, with an extra portion of Sudoku on the side. Would you like to Sudoku? No, I think I'll sit this one out, but thanks anyway. It's Sudoku every which way and everywhere you look, even in The Sun.

Sudoku. Big Sudoku. Little Sudoku. Advanced Sudoku. Intermediate Suduko. Easy Peasy Japanesey Sudoku. Suduko On The Go. Sudoku While You Go. Sudoku on the Toilet. Sudoku and chips. Sudoku on toast. I'd like my Sudoku medium-rare, please, with an extra portion of Sudoku on the side. Would you like to Sudoku? No, I think I'll sit this one out, but thanks anyway. It's Sudoku every which way and everywhere you look, even in The Sun.

So, Sudoku. It's the game, they say, that "everyone is talking about", although, actually, this is not strictly true as Vladimir Putin has yet to say anything about it, as far as I am aware, or Reg Varney, and while Reg has been very quiet on most things for the last few years or so, you would think that if everyone really were talking about it then we'd have heard something from him by now.

Sew 'em up!

As it happens, I just don't get the popularity of this Sudoku business but, then, there is so much in life I don't get. I don't, for example, get all this fuss concerning those nasty youths in hoodies who spit a lot and are six-foot plus yet still gather in fours to mug 12 year-olds at the bus-stop, as they did to my son last week.

The solution, it seems to me, is simple. It may even be, quite literally, staring us in the face. Sew their bloody hoods up! And sew them up good and proper! Then, we can watch them ricocheting blindly off lamp-posts before, hopefully, staggering on to the road directly in the path of an oncoming juggernaut, or maybe even a Sudoku delivery van, which is a big thing because the nation is getting through through Sudokus at such a rate. (There is a 12-week wait at Harvey Nicholls for the latest crocodile-skin ones with diamante grids).

This sounds fearfully harsh and right-wing, I know. And, yes, I know they probably come from "challenging" backgrounds of the the most challenging kind, but I wouldn't mind seeing them a bit more deadish all the same. Sew 'em up! I say. And by sew 'em up I mean sew 'em up, as we must not let them get away with a bit of loose tacking.

Fluff puzzle

Now, where were we? Oh, yes. Sudoku. My partner is addicted, even though he is rubbish at puzzles. He is puzzled when he opens the fridge and there is no food in it, as usually it gets there by magic. He is puzzled by the über-slappers in Celebrity Love Island. "But what do they do?" he keeps asking. They do über-slapping, I keep replying. Still, it's not as if they're all thick. As one said most insightfully the other night, "I support Real Madrid because I love Italian football."

He is puzzled as to why the fluff in the tumble dryer is always grey no matter the colour of the wash, but I'm not sure that counts, as everyone is puzzled by that.

Numbers game

Whatever, he loves his Sudoku. He starts at dawn at the kitchen table. He goes "ah" and "oh" and "if that's a seven - although I'm only saying if - that has to be a two and if that is two then... and again I'm only saying if..."

While puzzling over his puzzle, what he likes is for me to recite random numbers at him very, very fast. "Four-nine-seven-seven-one-three-five-five-four-two-twenty-twelve-one-seven-nine-nine ... can't you find something better to do with your time?" Alternatively, I may sing them. The "Happy Birthday To You" tune works well: "Four Four Three One Seven Two/ Four Four ThreeOne Seven Two/ Eight Nine Six Five Twenty Se-ven/ Four Four Three One Seven Two"

When he moves to another room, he likes nothing better than for me to follow him, singing all the while. (Anything by Slade works, whereas Kurt Weill is tricky). He will eventually opt for locking himself in the toilet, but that's OK, because you can always sing at him from outside the door until it gets too boring.

Actually, what with him doing Sudoku in there and then my recently mugged son (sew 'em up!) slipping in to do a Four-Four-Two - that's his football magazine - I'm rarely allowed a look in and have sometimes been forced to pee in the garden. It's not nice. It's not funny. I can't help wetting my feet. If I were to blame anything - and I'm only saying if - I'd blame Sudoku.

d.ross@independent.co.uk

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Financial Technical Consultant (C++, C#, Finance, MSc, PhD)

£50000 per annum: Harrington Starr: Financial Technical Consultant (C++, C#, F...

Year 3 Teacher

Negotiable: Randstad Education Plymouth: Year 3 Teacher Required We are curr...

Year 5 Teacher

Negotiable: Randstad Education Plymouth: Year 5 Primary Teaching positionRands...

C# Algo-Developer (BDD/TDD, ASP.NET, JavaScript, RX)

£45000 - £69999 per annum + Benefits + Bonus: Harrington Starr: C# Algo-Develo...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

The power of anonymity lies in the freedom it grants

Boyd Tonkin
Rebel fighters walk in front of damaged buildings in Karam al-Jabal neighbourhood of Aleppo on August 26, 2014.  

The Isis threat must be confronted with clarity and determination

Ed Miliband
Ukraine crisis: The phoney war is over as Russian troops and armour pour across the border

The phoney war is over

Russian troops and armour pour into Ukraine
Potatoes could be off the menu as crop pests threaten UK

Potatoes could be off the menu as crop pests threaten UK

The world’s entire food system is under attack - and Britain is most at risk, according to a new study
Gangnam smile: why the Chinese are flocking to South Korea to buy a new face

Gangnam smile: why the Chinese are flocking to South Korea to buy a new face

Seoul's plastic surgery industry is booming thanks to the popularity of the K-Pop look
From Mozart to Orson Welles: Creative geniuses who peaked too soon

Creative geniuses who peaked too soon

After the death of Sandy Wilson, 90, who wrote his only hit musical in his twenties, John Walsh wonders what it's like to peak too soon and go on to live a life more ordinary
Caught in the crossfire of a cyber Cold War

Caught in the crossfire of a cyber Cold War

Fears are mounting that Vladimir Putin has instructed hackers to target banks like JP Morgan
Salomé's feminine wiles have inspired writers, painters and musicians for 2,000 years

Salomé: A head for seduction

Salomé's feminine wiles have inspired writers, painters and musicians for 2,000 years. Now audiences can meet the Biblical femme fatale in two new stage and screen projects
From Bram Stoker to Stanley Kubrick, the British Library's latest exhibition celebrates all things Gothic

British Library celebrates all things Gothic

Forthcoming exhibition Terror and Wonder: The Gothic Imagination will be the UK's largest ever celebration of Gothic literature
The Hard Rock Café's owners are embroiled in a bitter legal dispute - but is the restaurant chain worth fighting for?

Is the Hard Rock Café worth fighting for?

The restaurant chain's owners are currently embroiled in a bitter legal dispute
Caribbean cuisine is becoming increasingly popular in the UK ... and there's more to it than jerk chicken at carnival

In search of Caribbean soul food

Caribbean cuisine is becoming increasingly popular in the UK ... and there's more to it than jerk chicken at carnival
11 best face powders

11 best face powders

Sweep away shiny skin with our pick of the best pressed and loose powder bases
England vs Norway: Roy Hodgson's hands tied by exploding top flight

Roy Hodgson's hands tied by exploding top flight

Lack of Englishmen at leading Premier League clubs leaves manager hamstrung
Angel Di Maria and Cristiano Ronaldo: A tale of two Manchester United No 7s

Di Maria and Ronaldo: A tale of two Manchester United No 7s

They both inherited the iconic shirt at Old Trafford, but the £59.7m new boy is joining a club in a very different state
Israel-Gaza conflict: No victory for Israel despite weeks of death and devastation

Robert Fisk: No victory for Israel despite weeks of devastation

Palestinians have won: they are still in Gaza, and Hamas is still there
Mary Beard writes character reference for Twitter troll who called her a 'slut'

Unlikely friends: Mary Beard and the troll who called her a ‘filthy old slut’

The Cambridge University classicist even wrote the student a character reference
America’s new apartheid: Prosperous white districts are choosing to break away from black cities and go it alone

America’s new apartheid

Prosperous white districts are choosing to break away from black cities and go it alone